Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied

RENO, NV—Local submissive Jack Traden announced Monday that his dominatrix, Mistress Varla of DV8, seems to have more on her mind than his humiliation.

Traden pauses outside DV8 after another disappointing meeting with Mistress Varla (below left).

"Mistress Varla hasn't been herself lately," Traden said. "Last week, she commanded me to lick her boots clean, but when I finished, she just stared off into space."

"When she finally noticed I was waiting, she ordered me into the cage for no reason," Traden continued. "What's the point? Usually, before she puts me into the cage, she scolds me about how bad I've been or tells me that I need to learn a lesson. If she's punishing me for doing a bad job on her boots, I need to know that. It wasn't humiliating, just confusing."

Traden cited other examples of Mistress Varla's recent distraction.

"The whipping—it's all over the place," Traden said. "I don't know whether she's trying to whip my ass or my elbows. It's just not the same getting flogged by someone who's barely paying attention. And her ordering-around has been totally indecisive."

Added Traden: "I've seen her like this before—last year, when she lost her job at the bank."

Especially worrisome to Traden, however, is Mistress Varla's sudden inability to tie the simplest of bondage knots.

"When I first started seeing Mistress Varla, you can bet if she bound me to a rack I was staying there," Traden said. "Lately, the leather knots are either so loose that they come undone or so tight I get no circulation. I love it when she makes me suffer, but I don't want to lose a limb."

Traden then related what he termed the saddest example of Mistress Varla's recent lack of attention to his humiliation needs.

"[Mistress Varla] slapped a collar around my neck and started walking me around her basement like a dog," Traden said. "Usually, the collar is on nice and snug, but this time it started to slip right off. I felt bad for her, so I tried holding it on with my chin while I was crawling around, but she caught me. Man, she beat the holy hell out of me for that, which normally would be great, but in this case it seemed like she was just upset with herself for making a rookie mistake. Who wants a dominatrix with confidence issues?"

Also unsettling to Traden is the sloppiness of Mistress Varla's appearance.

"When I walk into her dungeon, Mistress Varla is usually the very image of sleek menace," Traden said. "Lately, though, her boots are all scuffed and there are runs in her black stockings. Last week, I noticed she'd even incorrectly tied her leather corset. I would've mentioned it, but Mistress demands that I put in my ball gag before I arrive."

Traden said he is also disappointed with the state of Mistress Varla's torture chamber.

"A month and a half ago, that place was spotless," he said. "The floor was so clean you could eat off of it, and believe me, I would know. Now, instead of looking like her slaves scrubbed it with toothbrushes, it's just another mildewy basement with a dust-covered iron maiden."

Traden said he has no idea why Mistress Varla seems so distant, but noted that he is unlikely to find out.

"To ask about her personal life would be an inappropriate breach of the B&D code," Traden said. "But that doesn't mean I'm not worried about her. She's very special to me, but if I told her that, she probably wouldn't put me on the spanking rack for a long time."

Although he could find a new dominatrix, Traden said he believes in loyalty.

"I've been with Mistress Varla too long to call it quits," Traden said. "There's a bond that would be difficult to reproduce. When I'm under her boot, it feels like a second home to me. When she's focused, there's no one in the world who can make me feel more like a worm than she can."

In spite of this praise, Traden said he "can't keep paying top dollar for second-rate domination."

"I like to be debased, but I'm no chump," Traden said. "I might have to take a break from being her chattel while she gets her head together. After a little break, I'm sure before you know it I'll be lashed to the floor, covered in hot wax, and happier than ever."

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