Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied

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Vol 39 Issue 29

NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag

VENICE BEACH, CA—An avid National Public Radio listener, 48-year-old bicycle repair-shop technician Steve "Hozzie" Hasaji pledged $30 to 89.9 KCRW and "scored a kick-ass tote bag," Hasaji reported Tuesday. "Check this out," he said, showing coworkers a navy denim bag emblazoned with the KCRW logo. "If I knew listening to Morning Edition every day before breakfast was gonna get me this cool bag, shit, I woulda sent them money a long time ago." Hasaji added that Renee Montagne's insightful interview with author Diana Abu-Jaber was "totally off the hook."

That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident

RILEY, OR—Thirty-year-old Daryl Wohlert, that guy who always had all the knives in high school, was arrested Monday for allegedly threatening a local storekeeper with a switchblade, Riley police reported. "Daryl always used to have a knife on him, and a couple lying on the top shelf of his locker, too," said Riley Police Department desk clerk Jeremy Dunbar, who graduated with Wohlert from Riley High School in 1991. "He used to flip that thing around and roll it around in his hands until [shop teacher] Mr. Adams told him to put it away. Even after he put it back in the sheath, he'd still hold it out to threaten us with the case." Wohlert's alleged victim, 58-year-old Clarence Sewell, declined comment.

Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him

MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly believes that receptionist Mandy Pruitt is hitting on him, waiting-room sources reported early this afternoon. "Did you see how she offered to get me coffee?" an excited Walters said after Pruitt left to fetch him coffee. "I think she was just looking for an 'in' with me, if you follow me. One where she got to show me her legs." Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.

Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action

PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action, sources reported Tuesday. "First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny." The canine copulation has been the most talked-about animal-related playground incident since June, when a pigeon crapped all the way down the slide.

Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline

WASHINGTON, DC—House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) announced Tuesday that a new hotline will allow average Americans the chance to suggest new bills to the 108th Congress. "Do you have a great idea for an amendment, a revolutionary new tax bill, or just a few riders, but don't know how to turn it into law?" said Hastert at a press conference on the Capitol steps. "Call us at 1-900-NEW-BILL. We can help. Operators in the House and Senate are standing by." Hastert added that calls are just $3.99 a minute up to the first 10 minutes.

Uday And Qusay On Display

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?

You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!
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Dominatrix Seems Preoccupied

RENO, NV—Local submissive Jack Traden announced Monday that his dominatrix, Mistress Varla of DV8, seems to have more on her mind than his humiliation.

Traden pauses outside DV8 after another disappointing meeting with Mistress Varla (below left).

"Mistress Varla hasn't been herself lately," Traden said. "Last week, she commanded me to lick her boots clean, but when I finished, she just stared off into space."

"When she finally noticed I was waiting, she ordered me into the cage for no reason," Traden continued. "What's the point? Usually, before she puts me into the cage, she scolds me about how bad I've been or tells me that I need to learn a lesson. If she's punishing me for doing a bad job on her boots, I need to know that. It wasn't humiliating, just confusing."

Traden cited other examples of Mistress Varla's recent distraction.

"The whipping—it's all over the place," Traden said. "I don't know whether she's trying to whip my ass or my elbows. It's just not the same getting flogged by someone who's barely paying attention. And her ordering-around has been totally indecisive."

Added Traden: "I've seen her like this before—last year, when she lost her job at the bank."

Especially worrisome to Traden, however, is Mistress Varla's sudden inability to tie the simplest of bondage knots.

"When I first started seeing Mistress Varla, you can bet if she bound me to a rack I was staying there," Traden said. "Lately, the leather knots are either so loose that they come undone or so tight I get no circulation. I love it when she makes me suffer, but I don't want to lose a limb."

Traden then related what he termed the saddest example of Mistress Varla's recent lack of attention to his humiliation needs.

"[Mistress Varla] slapped a collar around my neck and started walking me around her basement like a dog," Traden said. "Usually, the collar is on nice and snug, but this time it started to slip right off. I felt bad for her, so I tried holding it on with my chin while I was crawling around, but she caught me. Man, she beat the holy hell out of me for that, which normally would be great, but in this case it seemed like she was just upset with herself for making a rookie mistake. Who wants a dominatrix with confidence issues?"

Also unsettling to Traden is the sloppiness of Mistress Varla's appearance.

"When I walk into her dungeon, Mistress Varla is usually the very image of sleek menace," Traden said. "Lately, though, her boots are all scuffed and there are runs in her black stockings. Last week, I noticed she'd even incorrectly tied her leather corset. I would've mentioned it, but Mistress demands that I put in my ball gag before I arrive."

Traden said he is also disappointed with the state of Mistress Varla's torture chamber.

"A month and a half ago, that place was spotless," he said. "The floor was so clean you could eat off of it, and believe me, I would know. Now, instead of looking like her slaves scrubbed it with toothbrushes, it's just another mildewy basement with a dust-covered iron maiden."

Traden said he has no idea why Mistress Varla seems so distant, but noted that he is unlikely to find out.

"To ask about her personal life would be an inappropriate breach of the B&D code," Traden said. "But that doesn't mean I'm not worried about her. She's very special to me, but if I told her that, she probably wouldn't put me on the spanking rack for a long time."

Although he could find a new dominatrix, Traden said he believes in loyalty.

"I've been with Mistress Varla too long to call it quits," Traden said. "There's a bond that would be difficult to reproduce. When I'm under her boot, it feels like a second home to me. When she's focused, there's no one in the world who can make me feel more like a worm than she can."

In spite of this praise, Traden said he "can't keep paying top dollar for second-rate domination."

"I like to be debased, but I'm no chump," Traden said. "I might have to take a break from being her chattel while she gets her head together. After a little break, I'm sure before you know it I'll be lashed to the floor, covered in hot wax, and happier than ever."

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