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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Don Imus Returns To Airwaves For One Last 'Nappy-Headed Hos' Remark

NEW YORK—Don Imus, who was fired from his WFAN morning show in April after calling members of the Rutgers' women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," returned to the airwaves Monday, citing a deep personal need to make one final "nappy-headed hos" comment. "I have endured eight long months of criticism, shame, and penance, but it will all have been worth it if I get opportunity to once again call a group of female African-American athletes 'nappy-headed hos' for all the world to hear," Imus said on his radio program Monday morning. "After all, calling people 'nappy-headed hos' is why I got into the radio business in the first place." Imus added that, if listeners thought the first time he said "nappy-headed hos" on the air was racially insensitive, they should really tune in tomorrow at around 8:35 a.m.

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