adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Don Knotts, Richard Pryor Team Up For Madcap Haunting

ESCONDIDO, CA—The ghosts of comedy legends Don Knotts and Richard Pryor were embroiled in a madcap misadventure Monday, which involved crooks, a missing diamond, and an old fixer-upper mansion haunted by the late actors.

The ghosts of Knotts and Pryor engage in some typical haunted hijinks and hilarity.

The escapade, characterized by the ectoplasmic pair as "cockamamie" and "crazy-ass bullshit," began early last month, when the spirits of Knotts and Pryor separately took up residence at the old Mayweather place, a 20-room mansion that sits atop a hill on the edge of town. After a long and protracted episode in which the easily frightened ghosts circled the dining room, continually missing each other by a split-second, they finally came face-to-face, only to mutually scream in horror.

"I yelled out, 'A spook! A spook!'" the ghost of Knotts said. "And Richard said, 'Who you callin' a spook, honky?' So I said, 'But—but—but look at you, you're as pale as a ghost!' And Richard said, 'Now I'm pale? Make up your mind, whitey!'"

Knotts' ghost added: "It went on like that for a while, until I learned not to say things that Richard interpreted as racist."

Over the next several days, the unlikely duo were scared by such innocuous things as shadows cast by coatracks, a billowing curtain, and a mouse.

In mid-April, the Patterson family of Van Nuys, CA, moved into the Mayweather Mansion. Don Patterson, who had inherited the forgotten property from an eccentric and wealthy great-aunt, said that he thought it would be exciting to live in a big house, but soon regretted his decision to move when he saw its dilapidated condition.

"Ever since we moved into this crazy old shack, all kinds of fishy things have been happening," said Patterson, 47, a gruff, pragmatic certified public accountant. "Like the other day, I could have sworn I set a bucket of whitewash on the floor of the parlor, but when I opened the door, the dang thing spilled all over my head. But I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this."

Besides their mischevious antics, the two specters have also had a positive impact. Besides helping Duncan, the bowl-cut-wearing 7-year-old son come out of his shell, they also devised a lighthearted scheme to help daughter Marley, 15, get on the high-school cheerleading squad.

And, most astonishingly, while the terrified Knotts was running from a raccoon through the house's walls, he stumbled upon a glittering, 150-carat stone: the famed Starbright Diamond.

"I tried to grab the diamond, but my hand just went through it," the Ghost of Pryor said. "A brother can't even get ahold of some bread when he's dead!"

Early Monday morning, accused serial burglars Hugo Gross and Bobby Lee Shively, who had the only map detailing the diamond's location, invaded the home to retrieve the precious jewel. Young Duncan happened upon the burglars and was bound and gagged. The Ghosts of Knotts and Pryor, who were awakened by Duncan's muffled screams, snuck up on the criminals and scared them into giving up the diamond.

"One fell right through that trapdoor the father kept forgetting about and falling through earlier, and another one backed up into a hot stove, among numerous other shenanigans," the Ghost of Knotts said.

Finally, a sagging piece of roof caved in and knocked the robbers unconscious, and Escondido police officers soon arrived and arrested them.

The Patterson family now owns the Starbright Diamond, and plans to use money from its sale to renovate the mansion. Yet  Patterson refused to believe that ghosts were responsible for stopping the caper.

"I tell you, there's no such thing as ghosts," Patterson said. "And the idea of a dead African-American comedian influencing my behavior is absolutely ridiculous. Why, I probably acquired my new swagger and improved lovemaking abilities from watching the MTV with my daughter."

The Knotts and Pryor Ghosts said they will continue haunting the Mayweather Mansion, and plan to follow up the daffy caper with a sequel, unless their old comedy partners, Tim Conway and Gene Wilder, become ghosts themselves first.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings