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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Donald Driver

STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way that's actually not a euphemism for "slow as shit"

WEAKNESSES: Expressing emotions such as sadness, anger, or surprise; brings a fire to the game, which the league is tired of reminding him is not only against the rules but also the law; makes the game look easy, which really doesn't help the players union's cause in labor disputes

SIGNATURE MOVE: Runs right past everyone in secondary while informing cornerback that he's supposed to cover Packers receiver Greg Jennings

DID YOU KNOW? Driver had the chance to be a world-class high jumper but instead opted to pursue something that isn't fucking stupid

CONDITIONING: Muscular lips capable of grinding out an extra smile late in the game

NEXT: Charles Woodson

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