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The Week In Sports

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Donkey Kong Left Off New ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Game After Failing To Make Weight

LOS ANGELES—In a stunning development that sent shockwaves through the gaming community, Nintendo announced during their Electronic Entertainment Expo presentation Tuesday that Donkey Kong will be left off the upcoming edition of Super Smash Bros. after failing to make weight. “Donkey Kong’s disappointing disqualification from Super Smash Bros. came after he registered 4.5 pounds over his contractual limit of 750 pounds, despite having drastically decreased his food and water consumption in the week leading up to weigh-in,” wrote Polygon video game reviewer Christian Shunk, referring to the weight limit game officials imposed to maintain a competitive balance between the primate and fellow heavyweights like Wario, King Dedede, and Bowser. “Officials gave Donkey Kong another two hours to try again, and he attempted to eliminate excess body water by sitting in the sauna for a half hour before completing a high-intensity workout on the stationary bike while wearing heavy clothing. However, after testing 1.8 pounds over at the second weigh-in, and following an unsuccessful appeal to the Nintendo Gaming Commission, Donkey Kong was officially ineligible to participate in this edition.” Nintendo officials did confirm that Pikachu is still expected to appear in the upcoming game despite being briefly hospitalized with dehydration and kidney stones stemming from his efforts to make weight.

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