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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Donovan McNabb: 'Eagles Fans Deserve This Loss More Than Anyone'

GLENDALE, AZ—Moments after losing 32-25 to the Cardinals in the NFC Championship Game, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb dedicated the game to Eagles fans everywhere, saying no fans in the country deserved it more. "We have the most single-minded fans in the world, and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather wish this on than them," McNabb said after settling down a locker room of screaming Philadelphia sportswriters. "To have an entire city behind us this whole season, breathing down our necks, waiting silently and patiently through our triumphs until they get to the parts of the season they really love.... There's nothing like it. And it's not just this year—they've been like this for the past decade. So what better way to pay them back than with a nerve-racking, soul-crushing near-comeback like this one? The fans of Philadelphia deserve it." McNabb went on to wish the Cardinals luck and express his admiration for their fans, who, he observed, "seem to be able to actually enjoy football."

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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