adBlockCheck

Local

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Don't Nobody Wanna Hear Area Man Run His Mouth

MACON, GA—According to a recent Gallup Poll, zero percent of Macon residents wanna hear area fool Ricky Baston run his mouth like a all-night bus, and he ain't sayin' nothing anyway. The poll found that don't nobody wanna hear Baston talkin' 'bout, 'I gonna get me a car,' and, 'My old lady been ridin' my ass' and all that. The poll confirms the findings of a recent ABC News/Washington Post phone survey, in which 100 percent of Macon residents described themselves as wanting Baston out they damn face.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close