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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Donut Shop Gets Weird After 11 A.M.

CHICAGO—According to unnerved sources, the donut shop at the corner of Belmont Avenue and Clark Street gets really weird after 11 a.m. "Up until about 10, it's totally normal, but sometime after that, you start seeing more and more people with gauze taped over one eye, and there generally seems to be a lot more canes—sometimes just leaning up against tables or hanging off the backs of empty chairs without it really being clear who owns them," retail associate Jake Kleibesadel told reporters Thursday, explaining he occasionally stops into the establishment for a quick snack during work breaks. "Usually at least two people will just be staring at their cups of coffee without drinking them, and a lot of times you'll see a guy watching one of those weird portable DVD players without bothering to use headphones. After a certain point, it just starts feeling really tense and sort of creepy in there." The donut shop reportedly gets weirder and weirder until reaching an apex at 6 a.m., after which it reverts back to its normal clientele of numbed, defeated people lurching to work.

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