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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Donut Shop Gets Weird After 11 A.M.

CHICAGO—According to unnerved sources, the donut shop at the corner of Belmont Avenue and Clark Street gets really weird after 11 a.m. "Up until about 10, it's totally normal, but sometime after that, you start seeing more and more people with gauze taped over one eye, and there generally seems to be a lot more canes—sometimes just leaning up against tables or hanging off the backs of empty chairs without it really being clear who owns them," retail associate Jake Kleibesadel told reporters Thursday, explaining he occasionally stops into the establishment for a quick snack during work breaks. "Usually at least two people will just be staring at their cups of coffee without drinking them, and a lot of times you'll see a guy watching one of those weird portable DVD players without bothering to use headphones. After a certain point, it just starts feeling really tense and sort of creepy in there." The donut shop reportedly gets weirder and weirder until reaching an apex at 6 a.m., after which it reverts back to its normal clientele of numbed, defeated people lurching to work.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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