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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Donut Shop Gets Weird After 11 A.M.

CHICAGO—According to unnerved sources, the donut shop at the corner of Belmont Avenue and Clark Street gets really weird after 11 a.m. "Up until about 10, it's totally normal, but sometime after that, you start seeing more and more people with gauze taped over one eye, and there generally seems to be a lot more canes—sometimes just leaning up against tables or hanging off the backs of empty chairs without it really being clear who owns them," retail associate Jake Kleibesadel told reporters Thursday, explaining he occasionally stops into the establishment for a quick snack during work breaks. "Usually at least two people will just be staring at their cups of coffee without drinking them, and a lot of times you'll see a guy watching one of those weird portable DVD players without bothering to use headphones. After a certain point, it just starts feeling really tense and sort of creepy in there." The donut shop reportedly gets weirder and weirder until reaching an apex at 6 a.m., after which it reverts back to its normal clientele of numbed, defeated people lurching to work.

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