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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility

The child and his hopelessly condemned pet.
The child and his hopelessly condemned pet.

BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the family’s 8-year-old son, Toby, about patience and responsibility.

The ill-fated, 6-pound pet, which parents John and Kathryn Bennett had hoped would foster cognitive, social, and emotional growth in their child, is reportedly condemned to perish in less than two months from a combination of negligence and abuse.

“Toby is going to learn so many valuable lessons by taking care of Oreo,” Kathryn Bennett said of the hopeless creature soon to be subjected to increasingly unlivable conditions without any means of escape, until the morose rabbit dies prematurely and is buried in the backyard. “We are confident that Toby will become a self-reliant child capable of taking on more responsibilities.”

“Plus, it’s nice that we're giving the rabbit a good home,” Bennett added incorrectly. “It’s really a win-win situation.”

John Bennett told reporters that feeding and cleaning up after the irreversibly damned rabbit would help build Toby’s character and establish a deep, rewarding bond between the 8-year-old and the animal certain to succumb to a harrowing and untimely death.

“Not only will Toby gain valuable experience with accountability and discipline, but he’ll benefit from companionship with Oreo,” said John Bennett, referring to the soon-to-be dead rabbit wholly dependent on the careless, inattentive second-grader. “Those two already adore each other.”

While a daily schedule of chores was reportedly created to help Toby care for the needs of another living being, the remiss 8-year-old is fated to complete the tasks less and less frequently in the ensuing weeks as Oreo’s chance for survival rapidly vanishes and the despondent creature edges ever closer to its inevitable demise.

According to the timetable, every morning after Oreo is violently shaken and prodded awake, Toby must provide food pellets and clean water to the ill-fortuned rabbit before forgetting to clean out the cage that will inexorably become contaminated by fecal matter and urine-soaked wood chips.

In addition, Toby has reportedly been asked to follow an equally ambitious grooming schedule complete with instructions for brushing Oreo’s soon-to-be matted fur and trimming any remaining toenails that haven’t previously been violently clipped down to splintered, bloody nubs.

“Oreo is going to be one pampered bunny,” said Kathryn Bennett, whose son’s incorrect handling and reckless care of the animal will inevitably expedite the doomed creature’s end. “What a lucky little rabbit.”

Though Oreo will unavoidably require emergency treatment at the veterinarian due to injuries sustained while being dropped on the floor, tossed around in the air, or dragged up a stairwell by the ears, Toby is said to be responsible for offsetting some of the costs with his allowance money—steps his parents have already discussed with their son while he distractedly bounced the defenseless rabbit on his knee.

The nominal attention to Oreo has reportedly intrigued Toby’s younger sister Olivia, 4, who has her own ideas for taking care of the unfortunate rabbit haunted by the ever-looming specter of death.

“We hope Toby learns a few lessons about sharing, because even though Oreo is technically his pet, Olivia wants to be involved,” John Bennett said of his daughter who will at first opportunity trim the rabbit’s whiskers and spill abrasive flecks of glitter into the tormented animal’s eyes. “Toby might have a hard time at first, but I’m confident he’ll be a big boy and let his sister help, too.”

While sources confirmed that Oreo’s upcoming death would go completely unnoticed by the entire family for several days, John and Kathryn Bennett intend to replace the deceased rabbit with another small animal for the 8-year-old to torture.

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