Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Doomed Rabbit To Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility

The child and his hopelessly condemned pet.
The child and his hopelessly condemned pet.

BEDFORD, MA—According to sources within the Bennett household, a short-haired and utterly doomed rabbit named Oreo was recently purchased in order to teach the family’s 8-year-old son, Toby, about patience and responsibility.

The ill-fated, 6-pound pet, which parents John and Kathryn Bennett had hoped would foster cognitive, social, and emotional growth in their child, is reportedly condemned to perish in less than two months from a combination of negligence and abuse.

“Toby is going to learn so many valuable lessons by taking care of Oreo,” Kathryn Bennett said of the hopeless creature soon to be subjected to increasingly unlivable conditions without any means of escape, until the morose rabbit dies prematurely and is buried in the backyard. “We are confident that Toby will become a self-reliant child capable of taking on more responsibilities.”

“Plus, it’s nice that we're giving the rabbit a good home,” Bennett added incorrectly. “It’s really a win-win situation.”

John Bennett told reporters that feeding and cleaning up after the irreversibly damned rabbit would help build Toby’s character and establish a deep, rewarding bond between the 8-year-old and the animal certain to succumb to a harrowing and untimely death.

“Not only will Toby gain valuable experience with accountability and discipline, but he’ll benefit from companionship with Oreo,” said John Bennett, referring to the soon-to-be dead rabbit wholly dependent on the careless, inattentive second-grader. “Those two already adore each other.”

While a daily schedule of chores was reportedly created to help Toby care for the needs of another living being, the remiss 8-year-old is fated to complete the tasks less and less frequently in the ensuing weeks as Oreo’s chance for survival rapidly vanishes and the despondent creature edges ever closer to its inevitable demise.

According to the timetable, every morning after Oreo is violently shaken and prodded awake, Toby must provide food pellets and clean water to the ill-fortuned rabbit before forgetting to clean out the cage that will inexorably become contaminated by fecal matter and urine-soaked wood chips.

In addition, Toby has reportedly been asked to follow an equally ambitious grooming schedule complete with instructions for brushing Oreo’s soon-to-be matted fur and trimming any remaining toenails that haven’t previously been violently clipped down to splintered, bloody nubs.

“Oreo is going to be one pampered bunny,” said Kathryn Bennett, whose son’s incorrect handling and reckless care of the animal will inevitably expedite the doomed creature’s end. “What a lucky little rabbit.”

Though Oreo will unavoidably require emergency treatment at the veterinarian due to injuries sustained while being dropped on the floor, tossed around in the air, or dragged up a stairwell by the ears, Toby is said to be responsible for offsetting some of the costs with his allowance money—steps his parents have already discussed with their son while he distractedly bounced the defenseless rabbit on his knee.

The nominal attention to Oreo has reportedly intrigued Toby’s younger sister Olivia, 4, who has her own ideas for taking care of the unfortunate rabbit haunted by the ever-looming specter of death.

“We hope Toby learns a few lessons about sharing, because even though Oreo is technically his pet, Olivia wants to be involved,” John Bennett said of his daughter who will at first opportunity trim the rabbit’s whiskers and spill abrasive flecks of glitter into the tormented animal’s eyes. “Toby might have a hard time at first, but I’m confident he’ll be a big boy and let his sister help, too.”

While sources confirmed that Oreo’s upcoming death would go completely unnoticed by the entire family for several days, John and Kathryn Bennett intend to replace the deceased rabbit with another small animal for the 8-year-old to torture.