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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Doomsday Clock Pushed To One Minute To Midnight After Arby’s Threatens Launch Of 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt

CHICAGO—Reacting to the fast-food chain’s increasingly alarming marketing language Tuesday, the Science and Security Board of the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists set the global Doomsday Clock to 11:59 p.m. following Arby’s threats to launch a 3-Cheese Jalapeño Beef ’N Bacon Melt. “As Arby’s’ claims of possessing an experimental new specialty sandwich have become more and more credible, we have concluded that the world is closer than it’s ever been to a cataclysmic event that could destroy the lives of millions,” said the board’s executive director, Rachel Bronson, reiterating that Arby’s had already performed tests and received positive reactions from focus groups, many of whom said it was “very likely” they would try the sandwich in the future. “Top government officials need to heed the realities of the current landscape and recognize that we are on the cusp of seeing a spicy, fire-roasted meat and cheese product that could reach all 50 states and beyond. Because once the delivery trucks begin amassing at Arby’s’ regional distribution centers, it will already be too late.” U.S. government officials have publicly expressed doubts at the validity of Arby’s’ threats, as the company’s last several launch attempts have all been too soggy to cause cravings on a mass scale.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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