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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Doritos Celebrates One Millionth Ingredient

DALLAS, TX—Amid much fanfare, the Frito-Lay Corporation, manufacturers of the world’s best-loved snack chip products for over 50 years, announced yesterday the addition of the one millionth ingredient in Doritos, the company’s flagship brand of cheese-flavored tortilla chips. The new ingredient, disodium guanylate, is expected not only to act as an additional emulsifying agent but also to make the big taste of Doritos even bigger.

Cooler Ranch Doritos are expected to hit the two million ingredient mark by spring of 2006.

“Today, we have reached a major milestone in the proud history of Doritos,” Frito-Lay CEO Don Gehrmann said at a formal chip-breaking ceremony yesterday. “One million ingredients!”

Following Gehrmann’s proclamation, amid wild applause, a Doritos scientist held up a three-foot-long dropper reading, “Disodium Guanylate,” and touched it to an oversized Doritos chip.

According to experts, the new ingredient is a chemically produced emulsifier that will act as both a thickening agent and an anti-oxidant in Doritos, the nation’s top-selling cheese-flavored snack chip food product item.

“Disodium guanylate, or NaCl2O3G, should help slow the oxidation process in Doritos, serving as a valuable hydrolyzing reactor,” MIT chemistry professor James Steuerbohm said. “Essentially, it would play almost the exact same role that disodium inosinate plays in Funyuns.”

When informed of the landmark one millionth ingredient, President Clinton immediately sent his congratulations to the Frito-Lay Corporation.

“While clearly, Frito-Lay has gained much by adding this fine chemical compound to its impressive roster of ingredients, the real winner here is the American people,” he said. “They will enjoy an even more delicious, more mouth-watering snack chip than ever before.”

On the other side of the world, North Korean President Kim Jong Il briefly stepped away from a massive military demonstration in his honor yesterday to offer his congratulations.

“Doritos must be held in the absolute highest regard by the people. Denial of the greatness of such a snack chip must not be tolerated whatsoever,” he said, later adding, “Get a Life!”

Yesterday marked arguably the most important new ingredient addition to Doritos since May 1994, when ingredient number 966,450, FD&C Red 40 Lake, was added.

“The arrival of Red 40 Lake was a pivotal moment in Doritos history,” noted food historian Joseph H. Farwell said. “Before Red 40, Doritos had a slightly normal look; if you looked closely, you could tell there were a few naturally occurring ingredients in there. But after Red 40, the chips took on a blinding, explosive orange glow. Consumers responded immediately.”

Despite reaching the million-ingredient plateau yesterday, Gehrmann is already thinking about two million.

"That would be incredible,” he said. “There’s just so much out there we could still add: Par--tially Hydrol-yzed Protein Ex-tract, Malto--dex-trin, Tri-so-di-um Pho---s-phate, cheese—the possibilities are endless.”

According to Doritos spokespeople, a target date of January 1, 2006, has already been set for reaching the two million ingredient plateau. To achieve this goal, beginning next week 274 new substances will be added to Doritos every day for the next 10 years.

Though many question whether Doritos will be able to sustain such an exhausting ingredient-adding pace over a 10-year period, company officials remain confident. In fact, Doritos manufacturers are so confident, they are enthusiastically encouraging consumers to crunch all they want, as they have insured the American public they will make more.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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