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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Doritos Good

WARNER ROBINS, GA—A five-year study released Monday by area resident Wayne "Bud" Junker revealed that Doritos-brand tortilla chips are, without question, good. "Whether original flavor, Cooler Ranch, or the zesty new 'Nacho Cheesier' variety, my exhaustive research indicates that Doritos are very good." To underscore the study's findings, Junker stuffed a fistful of Doritos into his mouth, exclaiming, "Mmm-mmm!" A 1995 couch-based study conducted by Junker concluded that Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey-flavor ice cream is delicious.

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