adBlockCheck

DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters unveiled a new $270 billion federal project Monday to build special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers on most major U.S. highways.

"These new lanes are for the millions of drivers who can't be bothered with speed limits, turn signal use, or not careening madly out into oncoming traffic," Peters said during the opening ceremony for the first reckless-driving route, a steeply banked, guardrail-lined on-ramp to I-395 outside Arlington, VA. "Whether hell-bent on putting themselves and everyone around them in danger or just drunk off their gourds and out for a simple joyride, America's reckless will no longer be forced to putter along with careful, conscientious, considerate citizens."

A cocaine-addled commuter pops a wheelie on his way to work.

Peters then cut the ribbon on the inaugural lane by speeding through it in a rusted-out 1984 Chevy Cavalier, steering with her knees as her left hand held a cup of hot coffee aloft and her right hand slapped her 4-year-old daughter sitting in the back seat.

Peters said the Department of Transportation plans to construct some 1,400 of the new lanes over the next four years, all of which will feature a special bowl design to keep cars in the lane while drivers are sleeping, drunk, applying makeup in the rearview mirror, receiving or performing oral sex, or drumming along on the steering wheel while singing "The Immigrant Song" at the top of their lungs. Padded concrete embankments and steel-rail barriers will line the lanes in urban areas, and rumble strips will be cut into the pavement every 100 feet in an attempt to help keep drivers alert.

All of the lanes will also feature ramps.

"We wanted to make these reckless-driving lanes as convenient as possible," said Harold Bovy, chief engineer on the project, who added that his team's main priority was containing drivers while allowing emergency vehicles the easy and frequent access they will require. "So we made sure that once reckless drivers are in these lanes, they can only leave them by designated funnel-shaped ramps or in the full- service hearses that will be stationed 24 hours a day at any number of convenient rest areas."

Amid mounting pressure from drivers, the DOT decided to start planning for the new lanes last fall. The department sought out input and suggestions from motorists who, according to Peters, "really know how to drive" or simply believed traffic laws to be for "suckers."

"We made sure to interview a broad spectrum of dangerously incompetent and inconsiderate pricks," said Peters, who stressed that the DOT sent questionnaires exclusively to drivers who have had five or more accidents in as many years or have been issued at least three 100-mph-plus speeding tickets in the last six months, as well as all members of the Corvette Club of America. "Their feedback was invaluable—so much so that we hired many to drive test sections of the highway. Several of those drivers will have sections of the new lanes named after them in memoriam."

While some have raised concerns that law-abiding citizens will be tempted to try the new lanes and get into life-threatening situations, DOT officials claim they will be self- enforcing, self-regulating, and, with proper drainage and fluid grooves, self-cleaning. Nevertheless, steps are being taken to prevent their use by non-reckless drivers.

Signs will be posted to warn regular drivers that they must drive either under 30 mph or over 90 mph, and that their auto insurance is void in the special lanes. Additional wordless signs, intended for the reckless drivers themselves, will feature the icon of a swerving 1988 Mercury Grand Marquis with subwoofer lines emanating from the body and a mattress tied to the top with a single length of twine.

Praise for the new lane from drivers has been widespread and immediate.

"This is something real drivers have wanted for years," said Kevin Louden, who has received 17 moving violations in his nine years of driving. "Now I can haul ass the way God intended without worrying about the safety of others."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close