adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters unveiled a new $270 billion federal project Monday to build special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers on most major U.S. highways.

"These new lanes are for the millions of drivers who can't be bothered with speed limits, turn signal use, or not careening madly out into oncoming traffic," Peters said during the opening ceremony for the first reckless-driving route, a steeply banked, guardrail-lined on-ramp to I-395 outside Arlington, VA. "Whether hell-bent on putting themselves and everyone around them in danger or just drunk off their gourds and out for a simple joyride, America's reckless will no longer be forced to putter along with careful, conscientious, considerate citizens."

A cocaine-addled commuter pops a wheelie on his way to work.

Peters then cut the ribbon on the inaugural lane by speeding through it in a rusted-out 1984 Chevy Cavalier, steering with her knees as her left hand held a cup of hot coffee aloft and her right hand slapped her 4-year-old daughter sitting in the back seat.

Peters said the Department of Transportation plans to construct some 1,400 of the new lanes over the next four years, all of which will feature a special bowl design to keep cars in the lane while drivers are sleeping, drunk, applying makeup in the rearview mirror, receiving or performing oral sex, or drumming along on the steering wheel while singing "The Immigrant Song" at the top of their lungs. Padded concrete embankments and steel-rail barriers will line the lanes in urban areas, and rumble strips will be cut into the pavement every 100 feet in an attempt to help keep drivers alert.

All of the lanes will also feature ramps.

"We wanted to make these reckless-driving lanes as convenient as possible," said Harold Bovy, chief engineer on the project, who added that his team's main priority was containing drivers while allowing emergency vehicles the easy and frequent access they will require. "So we made sure that once reckless drivers are in these lanes, they can only leave them by designated funnel-shaped ramps or in the full- service hearses that will be stationed 24 hours a day at any number of convenient rest areas."

Amid mounting pressure from drivers, the DOT decided to start planning for the new lanes last fall. The department sought out input and suggestions from motorists who, according to Peters, "really know how to drive" or simply believed traffic laws to be for "suckers."

"We made sure to interview a broad spectrum of dangerously incompetent and inconsiderate pricks," said Peters, who stressed that the DOT sent questionnaires exclusively to drivers who have had five or more accidents in as many years or have been issued at least three 100-mph-plus speeding tickets in the last six months, as well as all members of the Corvette Club of America. "Their feedback was invaluable—so much so that we hired many to drive test sections of the highway. Several of those drivers will have sections of the new lanes named after them in memoriam."

While some have raised concerns that law-abiding citizens will be tempted to try the new lanes and get into life-threatening situations, DOT officials claim they will be self- enforcing, self-regulating, and, with proper drainage and fluid grooves, self-cleaning. Nevertheless, steps are being taken to prevent their use by non-reckless drivers.

Signs will be posted to warn regular drivers that they must drive either under 30 mph or over 90 mph, and that their auto insurance is void in the special lanes. Additional wordless signs, intended for the reckless drivers themselves, will feature the icon of a swerving 1988 Mercury Grand Marquis with subwoofer lines emanating from the body and a mattress tied to the top with a single length of twine.

Praise for the new lane from drivers has been widespread and immediate.

"This is something real drivers have wanted for years," said Kevin Louden, who has received 17 moving violations in his nine years of driving. "Now I can haul ass the way God intended without worrying about the safety of others."

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close