adBlockCheck

DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents

The aftermath of a recent totally retarded wreck
The aftermath of a recent totally retarded wreck

SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department Of Transportation (Caltrans) released a study Monday that focused on a problematic intersection in Livermore, CA estimated to be nine times more likely to have extremely cool, awesome, or just plain unbelievable accidents than anywhere else in the state.

"Law enforcement and EMT crews have long been aware of the location's reputation for hosting dozens of the most wicked, twisted, and sick smashups around," said Officer Bill Metz of the Livermore Police Department, which assisted Caltrans in compiling data for the study. "The traffic patterns, poor signage, pavement quality, and sharp changes in gradient combine to make this the single sweetest place to watch a traffic accident."

In the past two years alone, Metz has been called to the scene of 27 accidents, 22 of which were bad as hell, at the intersection at east-west-running McKinley Boulevard and north-south-bound Grove Street where the two roads converge with a Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railway crossing and Ash St., which cuts diagonally across all three.

The study also revealed that McKinley and Grove traffic-control camera footage is three times as likely to show up on YouTube, where it is commonly accompanied by nü-metal music and given five-star ratings by viewers.

"Dude, there was this one time I was just measuring the crosswalks, and a Dr. Pepper truck T-boned these two Minis at once that were crossing from opposite directions?" Alameda County Highway Department surveyor Carlos Fonseca said. "It was sick—they were both spinning around like goddamn Siamese-twin Linda Blairs."

The intersection first came to attention in 2003 when a convertible carrying three chicks in their mid-20s lost control on McKinley, flew airborne into crossing traffic, was struck hard-core at an oblique angle by a Cadillac Escalade, caught a 920 flatspin-into-nosegrind over the roofs of oncoming traffic, and finally hooked a digger and came to rest on the railroad tracks, at which point it was struck by a freight train and fucking exploded.

The sick fucking intersection

"Those poor honeys didn't have a chance," said Metz, who was on the scene.

In 117 individual accident reports from the intersection, a full 45 were officially classified by investigators as "off the hook," 17 were termed "spec-fucking-tacular," and seven fell into the rarified category of "full-blown insane flying carnage." The intersection is also believed to be responsible for more what-a-way-to-go-style reactions than any other traffic junction, or possibly any potential crash scene, west of the Mississippi River.

"Part of the reason accidents here are so wicked brutal are the awesome sightlines—awesome for observers, that is, but crap for motorists," said Metz, who added that low-hanging branches that block drivers' vision also contribute to some massive flameouts. "Best part is that two of the streets leading into the intersection have low rises that drop off sharply just before the stop-lines, so if you're driving over 50, you can catch some nasty air there."

After several crashes were featured on nationwide newscasts and Spike TV's Best Of The Best Of Fantastic Wrecks, public outcry inspired the bureau to take action.

"We'll be adding a little height to the rises for more ramp effect and raising the curbs a bit for better rebound, so the cars stay in the intersection where the action is," Caltrans spokesman Fred Wendell said. "And we'll be adding more cameras in this intersection, switching the ones we already have to high-resolution color, and making sure the area is shot from at least three angles at all times and the footage saved to disk. This intersection is a fucking bomb waiting to go off, but it could still be better."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close