DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents

The aftermath of a recent totally retarded wreck
The aftermath of a recent totally retarded wreck

SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department Of Transportation (Caltrans) released a study Monday that focused on a problematic intersection in Livermore, CA estimated to be nine times more likely to have extremely cool, awesome, or just plain unbelievable accidents than anywhere else in the state.

"Law enforcement and EMT crews have long been aware of the location's reputation for hosting dozens of the most wicked, twisted, and sick smashups around," said Officer Bill Metz of the Livermore Police Department, which assisted Caltrans in compiling data for the study. "The traffic patterns, poor signage, pavement quality, and sharp changes in gradient combine to make this the single sweetest place to watch a traffic accident."

In the past two years alone, Metz has been called to the scene of 27 accidents, 22 of which were bad as hell, at the intersection at east-west-running McKinley Boulevard and north-south-bound Grove Street where the two roads converge with a Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railway crossing and Ash St., which cuts diagonally across all three.

The study also revealed that McKinley and Grove traffic-control camera footage is three times as likely to show up on YouTube, where it is commonly accompanied by nü-metal music and given five-star ratings by viewers.

"Dude, there was this one time I was just measuring the crosswalks, and a Dr. Pepper truck T-boned these two Minis at once that were crossing from opposite directions?" Alameda County Highway Department surveyor Carlos Fonseca said. "It was sick—they were both spinning around like goddamn Siamese-twin Linda Blairs."

The intersection first came to attention in 2003 when a convertible carrying three chicks in their mid-20s lost control on McKinley, flew airborne into crossing traffic, was struck hard-core at an oblique angle by a Cadillac Escalade, caught a 920 flatspin-into-nosegrind over the roofs of oncoming traffic, and finally hooked a digger and came to rest on the railroad tracks, at which point it was struck by a freight train and fucking exploded.

The sick fucking intersection

"Those poor honeys didn't have a chance," said Metz, who was on the scene.

In 117 individual accident reports from the intersection, a full 45 were officially classified by investigators as "off the hook," 17 were termed "spec-fucking-tacular," and seven fell into the rarified category of "full-blown insane flying carnage." The intersection is also believed to be responsible for more what-a-way-to-go-style reactions than any other traffic junction, or possibly any potential crash scene, west of the Mississippi River.

"Part of the reason accidents here are so wicked brutal are the awesome sightlines—awesome for observers, that is, but crap for motorists," said Metz, who added that low-hanging branches that block drivers' vision also contribute to some massive flameouts. "Best part is that two of the streets leading into the intersection have low rises that drop off sharply just before the stop-lines, so if you're driving over 50, you can catch some nasty air there."

After several crashes were featured on nationwide newscasts and Spike TV's Best Of The Best Of Fantastic Wrecks, public outcry inspired the bureau to take action.

"We'll be adding a little height to the rises for more ramp effect and raising the curbs a bit for better rebound, so the cars stay in the intersection where the action is," Caltrans spokesman Fred Wendell said. "And we'll be adding more cameras in this intersection, switching the ones we already have to high-resolution color, and making sure the area is shot from at least three angles at all times and the footage saved to disk. This intersection is a fucking bomb waiting to go off, but it could still be better."