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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a statement released by the Ohio Department of Transportation Wednesday, highway maintenance workers are so deeply moved by the elegant pothole located in the westbound lane of Route 50 that they have decided not to defile its pure and powerful form by attempting to fill it in. "This natural jewel of concrete displacement on an endless stretch of barren highway is too aesthetically pristine to be disturbed," said Ohio DOT director James G. Beasley, adding that when he first beheld the pothole he knew he had seen the face of God. "From the delicate lace of cracks running across the radius to the dark and profound depths of the crater below, we must protect this pothole with all of our being. It makes such beautiful use of negative space." Beasley also claimed that it would be an honor for anyone to have their car ruined by such a masterpiece of asphalt.

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