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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a statement released by the Ohio Department of Transportation Wednesday, highway maintenance workers are so deeply moved by the elegant pothole located in the westbound lane of Route 50 that they have decided not to defile its pure and powerful form by attempting to fill it in. "This natural jewel of concrete displacement on an endless stretch of barren highway is too aesthetically pristine to be disturbed," said Ohio DOT director James G. Beasley, adding that when he first beheld the pothole he knew he had seen the face of God. "From the delicate lace of cracks running across the radius to the dark and profound depths of the crater below, we must protect this pothole with all of our being. It makes such beautiful use of negative space." Beasley also claimed that it would be an honor for anyone to have their car ruined by such a masterpiece of asphalt.

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