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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Double-Jointed Man On Date Breaks It Out Too Early

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Double-jointed man Stephen Rothkowitz's first date with Lois Hiller, 30, was irrevocably derailed when the 29-year-old process server prematurely demonstrated his ability to bend his thumb all the way back to his wrist, witnesses reported Tuesday. "There seemed to be a lull in their conversation, and then he just started yanking his thumb around," said patron David Cantrall, who was seated adjacent to Rothkowitz's table at the D&R; Steakhouse. "He didn't even preface it with something like, 'Hey, guess what I can do?'" Rothkowitz was reportedly unable to salvage the evening by shooting milk out of his eye.

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