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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Double-Jointed Man On Date Breaks It Out Too Early

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Double-jointed man Stephen Rothkowitz's first date with Lois Hiller, 30, was irrevocably derailed when the 29-year-old process server prematurely demonstrated his ability to bend his thumb all the way back to his wrist, witnesses reported Tuesday. "There seemed to be a lull in their conversation, and then he just started yanking his thumb around," said patron David Cantrall, who was seated adjacent to Rothkowitz's table at the D&R; Steakhouse. "He didn't even preface it with something like, 'Hey, guess what I can do?'" Rothkowitz was reportedly unable to salvage the evening by shooting milk out of his eye.

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