OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Doug Baldwin Sick Of Being Disrespected By Statistics

SEATTLE—Following his team’s 28-22 win over the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Game, Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin expressed his frustration to reporters Wednesday after feeling constantly disrespected by his statistics this season. “These receiving numbers have been coming out of the woodwork after every game and trying to make me look bad, and I’m sick and tired of it,” said a visibly upset Baldwin, adding that such statistics as his 66 receptions, 12.5 yards per reception, and three touchdowns on the season have worked ruthlessly to deride and undermine him throughout the year. “All I have to do is open up any sports website on Monday morning to see all these stats saying my 825 total receiving yards ranks 42nd among NFL players. It’s hard not to take that stuff personally, and after a while you just have to ignore it.” Baldwin went on to express his gratitude to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll for disregarding all incendiary criticism from the receiver’s numbers and continuing to make him a starter throughout the playoffs.

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