adBlockCheck

Politics

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dove Campaign For Real Beauty Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate

WASHINGTON, DC—The Dove Campaign For Real Beauty formally announced Monday its 2008 nominee for president, 28-year-old Julie, a size 10.

Naturally beautiful Dove campaign nominee Julie announces her candidacy.

"My self-esteemed colleagues, American voters come in all shapes and sizes. When you vote for me, you vote for a celebration of diversity," said Julie, a veterinary assistant from Cedar Rapids, IA, in a ceremony at the Washington Hilton. "My presidency will prove that you don't have to be a size two to build better relations with China. That you don't have to be skinny to lower our skyrocketing trade deficit. All you need is the nonjudgmental support of the American people."

Julie added that, if elected, she would work hard to lower self-interest rates, help the nation focus on its strengths rather than its weaknesses, and mount a swift, body-positive plan to force Iran to abandon its nuclear program.

The announcement—which coincided with the launch of Dove's new collection of intensive firming lotions, creams, and body washes—was followed by a gala fund-raiser attended by Real Beauty campaign contributors Oprah Winfrey, Katie Couric, and Ellen DeGeneres. The event culminated with singer Chaka Khan performing "I'm Every Woman," the official campaign anthem.

Julie, who emerged as the front-runner after beating out several naturally beautiful candidates at a caucus in January—including Stacey, an administrative assistant from La Puente, CA, and Marion, a homemaker and mother of two from Augusta, GA—took several years of Spanish in high school, enjoys riding her bike, and considers french fries her favorite food.

Campaign manager Nanette Villanueva says Julie will run on three initiatives: a heightened emphasis on national emotional security, broadening cultural perceptions of beauty, and cutting long-term capital gains taxes.

"This is a big country, and it takes a real woman to run it," Villanueva said. "Julie loves her curves just the way they are, and that makes her special."

Villanueva added: "She's got thighs, and that's what this campaign is all about."

A recent poll supports Villanueva's remarks, finding more than 85 percent of American women are dissatisfied with their bodies, and over half are dissatisfied with the U.S. economy.

Yet Julie's "Healthy Agenda For America" has received only one key endorsement: from the powerful life-coach union. And so far only a small, vocal minority has come out in support of her candidacy.

"Americans are simply not ready for a plus-size woman president," said political analyst Paul Koskovich. "Even though more than a third of the U.S. population is significantly overweight, she still has very wide hips."

Among her supporters, however, Julie is an inspiration.

"I like a candidate with some meat on her bones," said Baton Rouge, LA, resident Len Crewley. "I could look at those big white panties for four whole years, sure."

Villanueva, meanwhile, did not deny that Julie may need to drop in size to see her poll numbers rise. "Julie would make a confident, self-assured president at any weight," she said. "But we'll look at the numbers after the primaries."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close