adBlockCheck

Downtown McDonald's Perpetually A Hairsbreadth From Complete Anarchy

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Downtown McDonald's Perpetually A Hairsbreadth From Complete Anarchy

OAKLAND, CA—McDonald's franchise #4793, located on the corner of 12th and Franklin in downtown Oakland, perpetually teeters on the brink of anarchy, store patrons reported Monday.

Teeming hordes charge the front registers as the restaurant threatens to collapse into lawlessness.

"I stopped in there this afternoon, and there's garbage all over the floor, half-dressed kids are running around throwing things, and everyone is screaming at each other," said Meredith Smith, 26. "I half-expected the National Guard to flood in."

Smith is not the only one puzzled by the restaurant's near-anarchic state.

"There's always about 15 people in the kitchen, and it still takes 20 minutes just to get your order taken," said Bill Zumbo, 33. "You just stand there and wonder, 'What is going on here? What is happening?'"

During a recent visit, despite long lines at all four registers, Zumbo spotted crew members joking around with friends, sharing cigarettes in the drive-thru area, and throwing random objects on the grill to see how well they burn. As garbage overflowed from the trash receptacles and a wide puddle of fetid, gray-brown water saturated the east-entrance floor mat, the only visible clean-up-crew member was napping in a booth.

"I sometimes go there for lunch during work, and, at first, I was kind of amused by it," Zumbo said. "It was funny how the cashier would yell back to the cook and say, 'Shut up, bitch, and get me some fries!' But then I began to question my safety. In that place, anything could happen."

Fearing everything from food poisoning to death by gunshot, Zumbo said he now walks an extra eight blocks to the McDonald's on Fairview Avenue.

With its graffiti-covered tables and restrooms unfit for human waste, the 12th and Franklin McDonald's evokes the lawlessness of the most far-flung underdeveloped banana republic. Surly single mothers toting caterwauling babies are among the restaurant's most prevalent patrons. The remaining booths are filled with an endless parade of lice-ridden vagrants, morbidly obese bachelors, and borderline illiterates with french-fry-stained pants.

The restaurant's food provides further evidence of its descent into chaos.

"When the burgers are fully cooked—which they rarely are—the orders are always screwed up," Danielle Costa, 36, said. "I've gotten orders with a bun and no burger, two burgers and no bun, a Filet-O-Fish crammed into an apple-pie box—you name it. And the only visible cook is bobbing his head up and down listening to music on his headphones. I can't believe there hasn't been some sort of fast-food coup d'etat at that place by now."

Various McDonald's district supervisors have attempted to stabilize store #4793, but all have met with failure.

"It's all about location," said McDonald's District 7 franchise owner Vanessa Ceres. "No matter how well-planned your corporate structure may be, if the customers in that area want to turn your store into a dump, there's not much you can do about it."

According to University of California-Berkeley sociology professor Richard Weber, the 12th and Franklin McDonald's will likely be overthrown and plunged into full-blown anarchy one day.

"It's only a matter of time before the employees topple the Ronald McDonald statue in the lobby and declare mob rule," Weber said. "And when that day comes, God help anyone who happens to be in the downtown area looking for a place to grab a quick bite."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close