Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 17

Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.

Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.

Compliment Goes Horribly Awry

KNOXVILLE, TN—A compliment went horribly awry Monday, when Greg Upchurch, 26, praised girlfriend Sheri Werning, 25, for her "juicy ass." "I didn't mean fat," said Upchurch, explaining himself to the offended Werning. "By 'juicy,' I meant curvy, you know? Like, that you're really healthy and athletic, and not some sickly little stick figure." Having dug himself into a hole, Upchurch pondered comparing Werning's posterior to Jennifer Lopez's, but ultimately decided against it.

Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'

WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.

8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese

SAUSALITO, CA—In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire plate of the organic pasta for lunch Tuesday. "I like Kraft Mac & Cheese a lot better, but Mom says it's all processed and got artificial stuff in it," Remmert said. "At least it's the right color. The cheese in this stuff isn't even orange." To help wash down the all-natural pasta, Remmert was given a choice between carrot juice and vanilla-flavored Rice Dream.

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Comedy

Dozens Dead In Chicago-Area Meatwave

CHICAGO–A deadly meatwave swept through the Chicago area over the weekend, leaving an estimated 40 residents dead of steaks, chops, ribs, bacon, and various other forms of meat exhaustion.

Paramedics administer first aid to a man who collapsed from smoked-sausage inhalation.

"This is easily the worst meatwave I've seen around these parts since the summer of '79," said John Gruznek, a Chicago gravicologist. "Most of the bodies I've examined were bloated beyond all recognition."

"The excessively high level of pork loins, sirloin tips, bratwurst, and other meats was indisputably the number-one factor in these deaths," said Chicago mayor Richard Daley, speaking from his temporary command center at Ruth's Chris Steak House on North Dearborn Street. "Most of these people consumed a considerable fraction of their weight in animal flesh before ultimately succumbing to meatstroke."

"This meatwave," Daley continued, "is a clear hazard to anyone capable of chewing and swallowing Chicago's vast array of delicious, succulent meats."

Max Peltz, director of Emergency Medical Services And Barbecue for Cook County, said that non-stop ingestion of beef, pork, chicken, lamb, and veal had caused the victims' digestive systems–and, ultimately, their entire bodies–to shut down.

"The human body, as you may be aware, is roughly 60 percent water," Peltz said. "However, many don't realize that it's also 75 percent meat. If that percentage rises too high too quickly, it may result in a distended stomach, intestinal bloating, and even death. Believe me, it's not a pretty way to go. A coroner never forgets the first time he examines the body of someone who died from roast-traumatic stress."

According to Peltz, the meatwave victims' causes of death have ranged from cardiac beefurcation to smoked-sausage inhalation. There has even been one confirmed indirect meat-related fatality, a 51-year-old Evanston man who died from a catastrophic smothering in mushrooms and onions.

Meatstroke victim Tom Eppard is cleaned by rescue workers.

Chicago public-health officials are urging residents to stay in their homes, advising them to lay out extra napkins and carving forks, drink plenty of water, and venture outside only to procure Zantac, Tums, and Immodium AD. Yet despite such warnings, the meatwave-related casualties continue to mount.

"This happens every few years in Chicago," said emergency worker Peter Barreras. "People in this town act pretty tough, and they always say the same things: 'I can handle the meat.' Or 'You call this a hot dog?' Or, my favorite, 'It's just a hot wing. How much can one little hot wing hurt me?' Well, I'll tell you. A lot."

Barreras said that for a meatstroke victim, familiarity with basic first-aid can be the difference between life and death.

"If you or someone you're eating with collapses from The Meats, know what to do," Barreras said. "Many people think that administering them emergency salads or tofu is the way to go, but the shock to the system is too great. Bring their meat index down gently and gradually by first immersing them in cold cuts. Call a doctor and talk to them while you wait for help to arrive. Under no circumstances should you let them have another pork chop, ham slice, or New York strip. Administer a solution of turkey tetrachloride, give them coffee, and don't let them lose consciousness."

Meateorologists speculate that the deadly meatwave was caused by a stationary high-protein ridge extending along the shore of Lake Michigan. They fear that Milwaukee and Kansas City could be next.

"Mother Nature sure has cooked us up a big one this time," Peltz said. "If it's this bad now, imagine what'll land on the city's plate during Taste Of Chicago."

If the meatwave continues through next week as predicted, the death toll could reach 100, making it the worst natural food disaster since the San Francisco Panquake of 1970.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More