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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

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WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

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Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

BURLINGTON, VT—In an impromptu conversation held in the elevator of your office building Monday, coworker Andrew Pagano announced that he had a dream about you the previous night. In the moments following the announcement, Pagano added that he "just thought you'd find that funny" before assuring you that the dream wasn't what you're thinking.

Pagano describes his "completely plantonic" dream.

"I just thought it was weird, just because you and I have been working so many hours together on this Hendricks account, and now you're popping up in my dreams," said Pagano, chuckling nervously and taking a single step back. "Ha, no, totally G-rated."

He then issued a number of additional statements in rapid succession, confirming that you had all your clothes on, the dream was really short, and it was actually one of those dreams where no one has faces. Upon reaching the door to your office, witnesses said, he playfully slugged you on the shoulder and walked back to his cubicle.

According to company records, Pagano graduated from Pennsylvania State University in 1991 with a degree in marketing, and since May 2005 has worked in your office as a senior account manager. In the past three years, he has had an estimated 18 separate dreams featuring you; however, this is the first time the 39-year-old has acknowledged one publicly.

"Really, I have dreams about people from work all the time," Pagano said less than an hour later, when he returned to your desk to reiterate the complete lack of erotic undertones in his dream. "It wasn't like that. My friend Paul was there, too."

"Besides, it's not like I can control what I dream or anything," he continued. "Not that you needed controlling in it. It's—do you dream a lot, too?"

Despite your assurances that everything was fine and that you were not mad, just working, Pagano persisted in his attempts to convince you of the dream's innocence by describing what you both were doing in the dream—working together at a Baskin-Robbins—and questioning how logical it would be to tell you about a dream if it were a sex dream.

"Don't worry, if I ever had a dream where you and I were…you know, like that, I'd keep it to myself," Pagano said. "Not that it has happened. Because it hasn't. Because if it had, I'd tell you now, obviously. Because, you know, I brought it up, and, yeah."

He then attempted to change the subject to last week's staff meeting with CFO Mark Gentry, but, after several moments, abandoned the new conversational direction to clarify that it wasn't because you're not a very attractive woman.

"I really got to cut out the spicy foods before bedtime, is what it is," Pagano said. "I've been having the craziest dreams ever since my divorce."

You have not spoken to Pagano since he coincidentally ran into you in the parking garage after work, but sources report he is expected to "make it up to you" tomorrow at lunch, when he drives across town and purchases you a cookie from your favorite bakery.

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Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

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