Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dreary, Passionless Couple Believes Your Soulmate Out There Too

BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere. “Take it from two people who’ve been in your shoes: Just be patient and have an open heart, and I know you’ll meet the love of your life,” said the essentially celibate Evan Schar, mechanically patting the knee of the woman he has not had sexual relations with in almost five years. “All it takes is that one amazing person who makes you feel this way. And when you find each other, you’ll realize everything was just leading up to this amazing moment. Trust us.” The Schars, both of whom are reportedly too habituated to their lifeless routine to pursue the extramarital relationships they so desperately crave, went on to say that when the time came, you would wonder why you even worried in the first place.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.