Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Internet

Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report

WOODWARD, OK—U.S. teens are "getting wasted" down at the local quarry 37 percent less than in years past, according to the small-town sheriffs who closely monitor their activities.

Spottsylvania County Sheriff Walt Schroeder answers questions regarding the drop in teen Mad Dog 20/20 consumption at the Mt. Pleasant quarry (below).

"In the past three months, we've only received two citizen complaints about rowdy kids down at the old Carter quarry, and we've all but suspended patrol duty out there," said Woodward County Sheriff Clyde "Dutch" Meinhold at a press conference Monday. "Last year at this time, we twice picked up the Meyer twins and that Craig Rothamer character who lives over in Mooreland. This year, I haven't seen hide nor hair of them down there. Not so much as a single blackberry-brandy empty."

Long used as a secluded spot for illicit teenage drinking, the nation's quarries are slowly returning to their original function of mineral excavation. Reasons for the decrease in quarry drinking include incarceration of drinkers, induction into military service, and it being colder than a son-of-a-bitch lately.

"Well, I suppose with Brad Hightower in the Army now, and Jason Klaus marrying his pregnant ex-girlfriend and working his ass off at the grain elevator, these kids' party days are winding down," said Sheriff John Pressman of Waushara County, WI. "Last week, one of my deputies did catch Bobby Hightower and Lee Olle over at the quarry with what looked like a Zima, but it turns out it was just a Pepsi Blue. Surprised the heck out of me, because the Hightowers are one hard-drinking clan. They don't mean nothing by it; they're good people. Why, I used to go with Brad Sr.'s sister Bev back in high school."

Mt. Pleasant quarry

Sheriffs attribute the decrease to numerous other factors, including Fanning Spring, FL, teen Jerry Kopecky breaking his leg at the go-cart track; Matt Biederhof of Okaton, SD, being so whipped by his new girlfriend that he scarcely hangs with his buds anymore; and Robert Carey of Buckman, MN, violating probation after trying to dislodge several Homies figurines from a candy machine with a Dairy Queen spoon.

Rural liquor stores are feeling the pinch, reporting lower sales than usual for such quarry staples as peppermint schnapps, malt liquor, and fortified wine.

"Betty over at Friendly Liquor says the only suspicious thing she noticed all holiday season was the Feinske boy trying to buy Tom & Jerry mix," said Sheriff Hobart Baum of Clarion County, PA. "Probably thought there was alcohol in it. Well, what can you say, he's only 11."

The decline in quarry drinking has also been cause for concern at Jack Daniel's, which recently unveiled "Hard Cola," a product whose customer base is roughly 70 percent quarry drinkers. Attempting to adjust, Jack Daniel's is retooling the product's marketing campaign to target college binge drinkers, parking-lot tipplers, and overweight secretaries on "Just Us Girls" after-work outings.

"Traditionally, sales of quarry beverages like Hard Cola ebb during the winter months, but we're seeing the same decline in more temperate climates, too," Jack Daniel's spokeswoman Lynda Pfeiffer said. "We're optimistic about the future of Hard Cola, but we're also mindful of the toll taken on the wine-cooler industry back in the early 1990s, when a similar quarry-drinking drop-off occurred. Bartles & Jaymes never had a chance."

Despite the pervasiveness of the decline, some sheriffs are confident that the trend will begin to reverse itself when the weather warms.

"Just yesterday, I caught that Dubrow kid and his buddy Glenn with an unopened Mickey's Big Mouth," said Sheriff Gordon Leahy of Perry County, IL. "They claimed they found it on the ground while looking for arrowheads. Bullcrap."

Next Story