adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator

ATLANTA—An elevator at the Airport Ramada Inn was boarded Friday afternoon by a dripping wet 7-year-old child, sources within the hotel reported. Eyewitnesses confirmed the drenched youth, who wore a towel draped over his shoulders and swim goggles on his forehead, entered the lobby from an interior courtyard, walked inside the already open elevator, and extended a clammy finger to press the button for the fifth floor. A small puddle reportedly formed as water trickled off the boy, who occasionally shivered during the brief ride, his teeth chattering slightly from the chill. Sources confirmed the sopping wet kid then exited the elevator and headed past the snack machines toward the corridor for rooms 511 to 525, leaving behind him the sharp but fading scent of chlorine.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close