Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator

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Vol 48 Issue 41

Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.

Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall

Toyota has recalled 7.4 million automobiles worldwide, including 2.5 million in the United States, amid reports that a malfunctioning power-window switch had been linked to more than 160 instances of fire and smoke emanating from car doors.
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Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator

ATLANTA—An elevator at the Airport Ramada Inn was boarded Friday afternoon by a dripping wet 7-year-old child, sources within the hotel reported. Eyewitnesses confirmed the drenched youth, who wore a towel draped over his shoulders and swim goggles on his forehead, entered the lobby from an interior courtyard, walked inside the already open elevator, and extended a clammy finger to press the button for the fifth floor. A small puddle reportedly formed as water trickled off the boy, who occasionally shivered during the brief ride, his teeth chattering slightly from the chill. Sources confirmed the sopping wet kid then exited the elevator and headed past the snack machines toward the corridor for rooms 511 to 525, leaving behind him the sharp but fading scent of chlorine.

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