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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator

ATLANTA—An elevator at the Airport Ramada Inn was boarded Friday afternoon by a dripping wet 7-year-old child, sources within the hotel reported. Eyewitnesses confirmed the drenched youth, who wore a towel draped over his shoulders and swim goggles on his forehead, entered the lobby from an interior courtyard, walked inside the already open elevator, and extended a clammy finger to press the button for the fifth floor. A small puddle reportedly formed as water trickled off the boy, who occasionally shivered during the brief ride, his teeth chattering slightly from the chill. Sources confirmed the sopping wet kid then exited the elevator and headed past the snack machines toward the corridor for rooms 511 to 525, leaving behind him the sharp but fading scent of chlorine.

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