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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash

SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47,000 in damages, driver Dave Renker announced Monday. "After an exhaustive investigation of this crash, I have come to the definitive conclusion that the light was yellow when I went through that intersection," Renker said of the accident, in which his 1995 Honda Accord broadsided fellow Spartanburg resident Marilyn Cole's 1992 Buick Skylark at the intersection of International Drive and Route 40. "I will continue my probe until the cause of this crash is known. But at this point, we can at least rule out the 'Renker's Fault' theory." Renker said the focus of his investigation will now shift to Cole, whom he suspects may have been in a rush to get somewhere and entered the intersection before the light turned green.

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