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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Driver Rules Out Driver Error In Crash

SPARTANBURG, SC—Driver error has been ruled out as the cause of a Nov. 20 crash that left two injured and caused more than $47,000 in damages, driver Dave Renker announced Monday. "After an exhaustive investigation of this crash, I have come to the definitive conclusion that the light was yellow when I went through that intersection," Renker said of the accident, in which his 1995 Honda Accord broadsided fellow Spartanburg resident Marilyn Cole's 1992 Buick Skylark at the intersection of International Drive and Route 40. "I will continue my probe until the cause of this crash is known. But at this point, we can at least rule out the 'Renker's Fault' theory." Renker said the focus of his investigation will now shift to Cole, whom he suspects may have been in a rush to get somewhere and entered the intersection before the light turned green.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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