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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy

GREENVILLE, SC—Saying that he only uses it as a last resort, local driver’s ed instructor Bill Dennison confirmed Monday that there is an extra gas pedal on his side of the vehicle in case one of his students is a complete pussy. “The accelerator on the passenger side is just a precaution should a student driver turn out to be a dickless wuss who’s afraid of really gunning it,” said Dennison, explaining that the pedal is an important failsafe that can be deployed whenever some candy-ass teenager tries to limp onto the interstate at 55 miles an hour like a little bitch. “As an instructor, you want to avoid any unnecessary interference, but when you’ve got some pantywaist behind the wheel who doesn’t have the stones to pass on the shoulder, sometimes you’ve got to sack up, drop the hammer, and show that little nancy how it’s done.” Dennison also said it’s sometimes necessary to use the vehicle’s emergency brake when a student is too chickenshit to fishtail like a total badass.

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