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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy

GREENVILLE, SC—Saying that he only uses it as a last resort, local driver’s ed instructor Bill Dennison confirmed Monday that there is an extra gas pedal on his side of the vehicle in case one of his students is a complete pussy. “The accelerator on the passenger side is just a precaution should a student driver turn out to be a dickless wuss who’s afraid of really gunning it,” said Dennison, explaining that the pedal is an important failsafe that can be deployed whenever some candy-ass teenager tries to limp onto the interstate at 55 miles an hour like a little bitch. “As an instructor, you want to avoid any unnecessary interference, but when you’ve got some pantywaist behind the wheel who doesn’t have the stones to pass on the shoulder, sometimes you’ve got to sack up, drop the hammer, and show that little nancy how it’s done.” Dennison also said it’s sometimes necessary to use the vehicle’s emergency brake when a student is too chickenshit to fishtail like a total badass.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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