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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy

GREENVILLE, SC—Saying that he only uses it as a last resort, local driver’s ed instructor Bill Dennison confirmed Monday that there is an extra gas pedal on his side of the vehicle in case one of his students is a complete pussy. “The accelerator on the passenger side is just a precaution should a student driver turn out to be a dickless wuss who’s afraid of really gunning it,” said Dennison, explaining that the pedal is an important failsafe that can be deployed whenever some candy-ass teenager tries to limp onto the interstate at 55 miles an hour like a little bitch. “As an instructor, you want to avoid any unnecessary interference, but when you’ve got some pantywaist behind the wheel who doesn’t have the stones to pass on the shoulder, sometimes you’ve got to sack up, drop the hammer, and show that little nancy how it’s done.” Dennison also said it’s sometimes necessary to use the vehicle’s emergency brake when a student is too chickenshit to fishtail like a total badass.

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