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Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Drug Addict Looking For More Enabling Girlfriend

AUSTIN, TX—After breaking up with girlfriend Karen Guglia last week, cocaine addict Rob Everson, 26, announced that he is looking for a more enabling girlfriend. "I need a woman who'll give me my freedom and let me be me," Everson said Monday. "I don't need somebody who's going to be on my case all the time, telling me I need to clean myself up or I'm gonna die. When you love someone, you encourage them to pursue their interests."

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