Drunk Driver In The Zone

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Vol 43 Issue 07

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?

John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player

STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the surprise of his family and friends—in addition to NBA players and fans—that he lived a...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Drunk Driver In The Zone

STOUGHTON, WI—Alcoholic and car owner Jim Torkleson attributes his "best-ever" 11-mile, 0.14 blood-alcohol-content drunken drive home from Abley's Bar Friday to being totally "in the zone." "It was like everything was happening in slow motion, even though I must have been doing well over a hundred," said Torkleson, who claimed that he has been driving drunk for more than 10 years, but only recently "really hit [his] stride." "Some kind of sixth sense let me just slip past other cars, over raccoons, between kids on bikes, you name it. It was like the road and everyone on it just went away." Torkleson said the cruise afforded him the greatest high while driving since the time a police officer forgot to put his cruiser in park after pulling Torkleson over.

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