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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Drunk Driver In The Zone

STOUGHTON, WI—Alcoholic and car owner Jim Torkleson attributes his "best-ever" 11-mile, 0.14 blood-alcohol-content drunken drive home from Abley's Bar Friday to being totally "in the zone." "It was like everything was happening in slow motion, even though I must have been doing well over a hundred," said Torkleson, who claimed that he has been driving drunk for more than 10 years, but only recently "really hit [his] stride." "Some kind of sixth sense let me just slip past other cars, over raccoons, between kids on bikes, you name it. It was like the road and everyone on it just went away." Torkleson said the cruise afforded him the greatest high while driving since the time a police officer forgot to put his cruiser in park after pulling Torkleson over.

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