adBlockCheck

Recent News

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
End Of Section
  • More News

Drunk Guy Knows All The Lyrics To This Song

ATHENS, OH—Keith Bonifer, 34, a regular and frequently intoxicated patron of Araby's Pub, impressed fellow customers Tuesday by accurately singing along to every word of "Save Your Love," Great White's epic 1987 power ballad. "He knew the whole thing, even after five boilermakers," bartender Bill Riggs said of Bonifer's flawless 5-minute, 46-second performance, during which he reportedly demonstrated admirable restraint by not staggering around the bar to get other patrons to sing with him. "He even knew the part where it goes 'so lock the door and throw away the key,' which I always thought was 'so rock me more and throw away the key.' Makes a lot more sense, actually." Due to the way Bonifer moved his hands during the solo, bar patrons speculated that he might also be adept at playing the song on guitar.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close