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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him

CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire time, nearby sources reported. Although he appears to still believe you love his Judas Priest T-shirt, the whiskey-soaked bar patron has stopped swaying back and forth and could, at this very moment, be one drunken thought away from figuring out that Al Pacino is not actually your uncle. "Hey man, have another beer," you said, attempting to distract the shit-faced stranger from suddenly putting all the pieces together and beating you senseless. "I think that bartender likes you. Go talk to her. " While the man will likely forget all of your sarcastic questions about ATV racing by morning, duping this poor schlub is reportedly the most meaningful conversation you've had all week.

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