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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him

CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire time, nearby sources reported. Although he appears to still believe you love his Judas Priest T-shirt, the whiskey-soaked bar patron has stopped swaying back and forth and could, at this very moment, be one drunken thought away from figuring out that Al Pacino is not actually your uncle. "Hey man, have another beer," you said, attempting to distract the shit-faced stranger from suddenly putting all the pieces together and beating you senseless. "I think that bartender likes you. Go talk to her. " While the man will likely forget all of your sarcastic questions about ATV racing by morning, duping this poor schlub is reportedly the most meaningful conversation you've had all week.

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