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Drunk Of The Week

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Drunk Of The Week

MITCH MELUM

Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’s DRUNK of the WEEK: MITCH MELUM

Mitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative. Way to use your head, Mitch! All the same, if you ever attack one of us again, rest assured you’ll feel the full wrath of our legal team’s mastery of personal-injury law.

Onion Operatives will be out at bar time to pick a new Drunk of the Week. Featured drunks receive a certifiate, two bucks, and a pizza from Falbo Bros. The Onion offiially discourages the despicable practice of drinking alcohol.

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