Drunk Of The Week

Top Headlines

Recent News

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Originality

Drunk Of The Week

MITCH MELUM

Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’s DRUNK of the WEEK: MITCH MELUM

Mitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative. Way to use your head, Mitch! All the same, if you ever attack one of us again, rest assured you’ll feel the full wrath of our legal team’s mastery of personal-injury law.

Onion Operatives will be out at bar time to pick a new Drunk of the Week. Featured drunks receive a certifiate, two bucks, and a pizza from Falbo Bros. The Onion offiially discourages the despicable practice of drinking alcohol.