Drunk Of The Week

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Drunk Of The Week


Alcohol is EVIL! Congratulations to The Onion’s DRUNK of the WEEK: MITCH MELUM

Mitch earned his place among Madison’s most honored drunks by head-butting an innocent Onion Operative. Way to use your head, Mitch! All the same, if you ever attack one of us again, rest assured you’ll feel the full wrath of our legal team’s mastery of personal-injury law.

Onion Operatives will be out at bar time to pick a new Drunk of the Week. Featured drunks receive a certifiate, two bucks, and a pizza from Falbo Bros. The Onion offiially discourages the despicable practice of drinking alcohol.