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Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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Lawn and Garden

Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking session, announced his intention to show you and everyone else just minutes before closing time at a local bar Monday.

Stenerud denounces the "total bullshit" he has endured from people.

"You people don't know [what] the fuck you're talking about," Stenerud announced from his stool at Dan's Pub. "You think I can't? Know what? I'll show you. I'll show everybody."

Stenerud, who is frequently drunk, added that if those assembled were opposed to his announcement, they could kiss his "big red baboon ass."

Although Stenerud did not specify what he intended to show, he addressed a number of issues in detail, including the lack of credit he is given "day in and day goddamn out," his endless payment of dues "day after day after day," and a general sentiment of not giving a fuck today or any other fucking day.

"Look, there's me," Stenerud said, pointing out his reflection cast in the bar-length mirror. "That's the guy that's going to kick all of your asses."

Bartender Hope Krzysch said that Stenerud, a regular patron, was served eight bottles of Miller Genuine Draft and six shots of Jim Beam in the four hours prior to making his remarks.

In a statement typified by earnest, strongly worded proclamations, one of Stenerud's most impassioned comments was that the occasion marked the very first time that he had ever spoken the truth to anyone.

"It's all clear to me now. I can see right through you sons of bitches. Too bad you're not me right now. That's just too fucking bad for you."

The announcement was cut short when Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" played over the bar's jukebox, prompting Stenerud to remark, "I love this tune," close his eyes, and silently mouth the lyrics for the duration of the song.

Patrons at the bar reflected on Stenerud's charges of shit-talking. "I don't know the guy," Web designer Steve Dreyfuss said. "But I hope he eventually shows everybody. I wish him well."

Stenerud, known in the area for inebriated, forceful announcements, has in the past shown everyone his ability to lift a table over his head, remove a hard-boiled egg from a glass without touching the glass, and construct a tiny man from a paper match. Still, observers said it was unlikely that these actions were what Stenerud was determined to show Monday.

Stenerud attempts to convince patron Ed Sieves to start a rock band with him.

Though he focused on showing everyone, Stenerud also demanded to know what the fuck everyone was laughing at.

"You think that's funny?" he asked on one of the few occasions he rose to his feet. "I'll show you what's funny. Come on."

 After a series of alternatingly aggressive and inquisitive gestures, Stenerud nearly toppled to the ground, narrowly avoiding striking his head on a footrest.

Semiregular Dan's Pub patron and die-cutter Ed Sieves tried to assure Stenerud that nobody was laughing, and, after a brief staredown, the walleyed Stenerud embraced Sieves in an emotional bear hug. 

"This guy's like a brother. He's a good fuckin' man," Stenerud said, attempting to lift Sieves off the ground. "You're the best friend a guy could have. No. No. No. No. I mean it. There's nobody I'd rather want to spend time with than all you fuckers. You guys. You guys. I fuckin'."

Stenerud then asked, "Did you see me pick him up?"

After two minutes of a silence described by witnesses as "sullen," Stenerud announced that he had one last fucking thing to tell the audience.

"You'd think? Fuckin'. I want to go call my ex-wife," Stenerud said, apparently concluding the speech.

Stenerud is expected to return to Dan's Pub on Friday, but it is unknown whether he will show anyone anything else at that time.

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