Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

Top Headlines


Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Special Coverage



Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking session, announced his intention to show you and everyone else just minutes before closing time at a local bar Monday.

Stenerud denounces the "total bullshit" he has endured from people.

"You people don't know [what] the fuck you're talking about," Stenerud announced from his stool at Dan's Pub. "You think I can't? Know what? I'll show you. I'll show everybody."

Stenerud, who is frequently drunk, added that if those assembled were opposed to his announcement, they could kiss his "big red baboon ass."

Although Stenerud did not specify what he intended to show, he addressed a number of issues in detail, including the lack of credit he is given "day in and day goddamn out," his endless payment of dues "day after day after day," and a general sentiment of not giving a fuck today or any other fucking day.

"Look, there's me," Stenerud said, pointing out his reflection cast in the bar-length mirror. "That's the guy that's going to kick all of your asses."

Bartender Hope Krzysch said that Stenerud, a regular patron, was served eight bottles of Miller Genuine Draft and six shots of Jim Beam in the four hours prior to making his remarks.

In a statement typified by earnest, strongly worded proclamations, one of Stenerud's most impassioned comments was that the occasion marked the very first time that he had ever spoken the truth to anyone.

"It's all clear to me now. I can see right through you sons of bitches. Too bad you're not me right now. That's just too fucking bad for you."

The announcement was cut short when Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" played over the bar's jukebox, prompting Stenerud to remark, "I love this tune," close his eyes, and silently mouth the lyrics for the duration of the song.

Patrons at the bar reflected on Stenerud's charges of shit-talking. "I don't know the guy," Web designer Steve Dreyfuss said. "But I hope he eventually shows everybody. I wish him well."

Stenerud, known in the area for inebriated, forceful announcements, has in the past shown everyone his ability to lift a table over his head, remove a hard-boiled egg from a glass without touching the glass, and construct a tiny man from a paper match. Still, observers said it was unlikely that these actions were what Stenerud was determined to show Monday.

Stenerud attempts to convince patron Ed Sieves to start a rock band with him.

Though he focused on showing everyone, Stenerud also demanded to know what the fuck everyone was laughing at.

"You think that's funny?" he asked on one of the few occasions he rose to his feet. "I'll show you what's funny. Come on."

 After a series of alternatingly aggressive and inquisitive gestures, Stenerud nearly toppled to the ground, narrowly avoiding striking his head on a footrest.

Semiregular Dan's Pub patron and die-cutter Ed Sieves tried to assure Stenerud that nobody was laughing, and, after a brief staredown, the walleyed Stenerud embraced Sieves in an emotional bear hug. 

"This guy's like a brother. He's a good fuckin' man," Stenerud said, attempting to lift Sieves off the ground. "You're the best friend a guy could have. No. No. No. No. I mean it. There's nobody I'd rather want to spend time with than all you fuckers. You guys. You guys. I fuckin'."

Stenerud then asked, "Did you see me pick him up?"

After two minutes of a silence described by witnesses as "sullen," Stenerud announced that he had one last fucking thing to tell the audience.

"You'd think? Fuckin'. I want to go call my ex-wife," Stenerud said, apparently concluding the speech.

Stenerud is expected to return to Dan's Pub on Friday, but it is unknown whether he will show anyone anything else at that time.