adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Drunken Carl Lewis Crashes Olympics

BEIJING—Former American track-and-field star and nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis, 47, showed up uninvited to the 2008 Olympic Games Thursday, reeking of booze and shouting in slurred, belligerent tones that everybody "had better watch out" because "Mr. Olympics is here, and this shit's about to get crazy." "Hey everybody, your old buddy Carl's back and he's ready to knock some—hey, where's the…gimme the long jump. Long jump motherfuckers! I can jump longer than, than any of you, you goddamn punks, see these gold medals here? I got…fuckin'…fifty million gold medals right here," Lewis was overheard as saying while gesturing to his crotch. "I made the Olympics. I am the motherfucking, the Olympics. Get out of my way, college boys, let Carl goddamn Lewis show you how it's done." Lewis proceeded to light a cigarette on the Olympic torch, sprint toward the long-jump runway, trip over the platform, and fall face-first into the sand pit, where he lay motionless for two hours, his sobs eventually subsiding to a gentle snoring.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close