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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Drunken Carl Lewis Crashes Olympics

BEIJING—Former American track-and-field star and nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis, 47, showed up uninvited to the 2008 Olympic Games Thursday, reeking of booze and shouting in slurred, belligerent tones that everybody "had better watch out" because "Mr. Olympics is here, and this shit's about to get crazy." "Hey everybody, your old buddy Carl's back and he's ready to knock some—hey, where's the…gimme the long jump. Long jump motherfuckers! I can jump longer than, than any of you, you goddamn punks, see these gold medals here? I got…fuckin'…fifty million gold medals right here," Lewis was overheard as saying while gesturing to his crotch. "I made the Olympics. I am the motherfucking, the Olympics. Get out of my way, college boys, let Carl goddamn Lewis show you how it's done." Lewis proceeded to light a cigarette on the Olympic torch, sprint toward the long-jump runway, trip over the platform, and fall face-first into the sand pit, where he lay motionless for two hours, his sobs eventually subsiding to a gentle snoring.

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