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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet

PLYMOUTH, MA—Racing erratically between unrelated browser tabs, local man Eric Mancano was spotted careening around the internet in a drunken haze at approximately 2 a.m. Tuesday, sources confirmed. “He was out of control, just swerving from one site to the next without any apparent idea of where he was going,” said an anonymous witness, who saw Mancano stagger incoherently from an NHL box score to CNN’s Politics section before suddenly jumping 28 seconds into Nas’ “Hate Me Now” music video on YouTube. “At one point he must’ve been about halfway through a Buzzfeed ‘20 Most Expensive Zip Codes’ list when he blacked out, regained consciousness right in the middle of an IAmA subreddit, and then slammed headfirst into the Washington Post paywall. It was alarming to watch.” Sources then reported seeing a semi-lucid Mancano quickly reverse course and head straight for his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.

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