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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet

PLYMOUTH, MA—Racing erratically between unrelated browser tabs, local man Eric Mancano was spotted careening around the internet in a drunken haze at approximately 2 a.m. Tuesday, sources confirmed. “He was out of control, just swerving from one site to the next without any apparent idea of where he was going,” said an anonymous witness, who saw Mancano stagger incoherently from an NHL box score to CNN’s Politics section before suddenly jumping 28 seconds into Nas’ “Hate Me Now” music video on YouTube. “At one point he must’ve been about halfway through a Buzzfeed ‘20 Most Expensive Zip Codes’ list when he blacked out, regained consciousness right in the middle of an IAmA subreddit, and then slammed headfirst into the Washington Post paywall. It was alarming to watch.” Sources then reported seeing a semi-lucid Mancano quickly reverse course and head straight for his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.

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