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Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet

PLYMOUTH, MA—Racing erratically between unrelated browser tabs, local man Eric Mancano was spotted careening around the internet in a drunken haze at approximately 2 a.m. Tuesday, sources confirmed. “He was out of control, just swerving from one site to the next without any apparent idea of where he was going,” said an anonymous witness, who saw Mancano stagger incoherently from an NHL box score to CNN’s Politics section before suddenly jumping 28 seconds into Nas’ “Hate Me Now” music video on YouTube. “At one point he must’ve been about halfway through a Buzzfeed ‘20 Most Expensive Zip Codes’ list when he blacked out, regained consciousness right in the middle of an IAmA subreddit, and then slammed headfirst into the Washington Post paywall. It was alarming to watch.” Sources then reported seeing a semi-lucid Mancano quickly reverse course and head straight for his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.

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