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Drunken Man Makes Interesting Point About Society

A local drunken man made an interesting point about society late last night, incisively commenting on the U.S. government’s strangely misplaced priorities. Art Telsker, a 42-year-old plant supervisor, made the insightful, pointed remark at about 11:45 p.m. at the Starlight Motor Lodge Bar, where he had spent the night drinking himself into an inebriated stupor.

Shortly before wetting himself, Art Telsker astutely opined on the confused priorities of the nation's political leaders. He has since been appointed Clinton's top domestic advisor.

“It’s like the government, they got enough money to build bombs and guns, but they don’t got enough to feed people,” Telsker sharply noted to several strangers as he downed a double shot of Wild Turkey whiskey. “They got it all totally backwards, man.”

He then added, “It’s crazy, man, you know?” before urinating on himself and staggering home.

Telsker’s prescient political observation immediately impressed his fellow bar-goers.

“What Telsker said was right on target,” said Stan Eckles, 35, who was also drunk. “He was talking about how we spend more money on the military and defense than we do on social programs like welfare. And his conclusion was right: That truly is misdirected spending.”

Wayne Tolleson, who was nursing a scotch and soda next to Telsker at the time, agreed.

“I wish I could remember exactly how he put it, because it was so perfect,” he said. “He just cut right to the essence of the whole problem in this incredible way.”

Tolleson killed a family of six later that evening in a drunk driving accident.

When asked to elaborate on his opinion of U.S. budgetary spending, Telsker responded, “I was talkin’ to this one chick for like an hour last night and I was sure something was gonna happen,” he said. “But then after I threw up, she told me she was married and left.”

News of Telsker’s politically charged words quickly reached Washington.

“Until now, I have been one of the leaders in the movement to cut welfare spending while maintaining military expenditure at its current level,” Spea-ker of the House Newt Gin-grich said. “But it is now clear that, as Mr. Telsker puts it, ‘We’ve got it all totally backwards, man.’”

The New Re-pub-lic magazine was also moved by Jablonsky’s cutting-edge commentary, devoting most of its next issue to the views of the twice-divorced alcoholic plant supervisor and father of five.

“Solutions to major societal problems do not always come from within the Washington beltline,” editor Andrew Lerman said. “Often, they come from uninformed, blue-collar Americans who spout their ignorant, oversimplified solutions to complex, real-world problems to anyone who will listen.”

In addition to his appearance on the cover of The New Republic, Telsker has been booked in numerous political round table discussions, including Crossfire and the McLaughlin Group.

President Clinton has also expressed interest in consulting Telsker on a number of critical domestic is-sues.

“Mr. Telsker has a clear sense of what is good policy and what is just out of whack,” Clinton said. “I will consult with him daily in the months to come.’”

This is not the first time Telsker has boldly questioned the priorities of American society. Last August, after drinking a case of Old Milwaukee beer in the cab of his pick-up, he muttered to himself, “The cops, man, they just sit around all day, give jaywalking tickets and eat donuts.”

The remark led to sweeping changes in police department standards and procedures across the nation.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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