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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Drunken Paul Byrd Watching Major League II Right Now

CLEVELAND—Paul Byrd is currently lying prostrate on his living room couch in the dark, surrounded by a stack of empty beer cans and watching the film Major League II, reported sources close to the Indians pitcher. "Come on, Wild Thing, get… take off that business suit and get your goddamn head back in the game," Byrd was overheard as saying several minutes ago, moments before hurling a beer bottle at his TV screen. "Your team needs you, don't you want to go to the World Series, you stupid son of a… Aw, come on, blue, that was right over the plate! Fucking Parkman! We never shouldda got rid of Parkman. Let me call what-the-hell's-his face [Indians GM Mark Shapiro] right…yeah, right now. Gotta get Parkman back… Where's the phone?" Byrd proceeded to roll off the side of the couch and pass out.

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