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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Drunken Paul Byrd Watching Major League II Right Now

CLEVELAND—Paul Byrd is currently lying prostrate on his living room couch in the dark, surrounded by a stack of empty beer cans and watching the film Major League II, reported sources close to the Indians pitcher. "Come on, Wild Thing, get… take off that business suit and get your goddamn head back in the game," Byrd was overheard as saying several minutes ago, moments before hurling a beer bottle at his TV screen. "Your team needs you, don't you want to go to the World Series, you stupid son of a… Aw, come on, blue, that was right over the plate! Fucking Parkman! We never shouldda got rid of Parkman. Let me call what-the-hell's-his face [Indians GM Mark Shapiro] right…yeah, right now. Gotta get Parkman back… Where's the phone?" Byrd proceeded to roll off the side of the couch and pass out.

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