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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Drunken Paul Byrd Watching Major League II Right Now

CLEVELAND—Paul Byrd is currently lying prostrate on his living room couch in the dark, surrounded by a stack of empty beer cans and watching the film Major League II, reported sources close to the Indians pitcher. "Come on, Wild Thing, get… take off that business suit and get your goddamn head back in the game," Byrd was overheard as saying several minutes ago, moments before hurling a beer bottle at his TV screen. "Your team needs you, don't you want to go to the World Series, you stupid son of a… Aw, come on, blue, that was right over the plate! Fucking Parkman! We never shouldda got rid of Parkman. Let me call what-the-hell's-his face [Indians GM Mark Shapiro] right…yeah, right now. Gotta get Parkman back… Where's the phone?" Byrd proceeded to roll off the side of the couch and pass out.

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