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Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks

Duane, the dirtbag, circa 1986.
Duane, the dirtbag, circa 1986.

In what scholars generally consider to be one of the biggest dick moves in recorded history, 28-year-old convenience store cashier Duane Hoyt hastily departed Olympia, WA in the summer of 1987 still owing roommates Luke Dalrymple and Kyle Strickland almost 1,300 bucks in back rent and utilities.

"Duane's bailing without leaving so much as a note while Luke and Kyle were at work is one of our archetypal examples of total betrayal," Columbia University anthropology professor Davis Enright said. "Judas Iscariot turning Christ over to the Romans for 30 pieces of silver, Brutus abetting the assassination of Julius Caesar—these acts pale in comparison to the shit that Duane pulled."

"At least Brutus had the common decency not to leave two useless, busted-ass mopeds in Caesar's front yard," Enright continued. "Duane has certainly secured his place in history as a first-class asshole. Fucking Duane."

Though some scholars point to Duane's purchase of a kegerator in 1986 as a mitigating factor in his ultimate screwing over of his roommates, most agree that taking off owing a shit-ton of cash overshadows any good he may have done during his four-year residence at the house.

According to Dr. Lawrence Riley, author of Duane: King Of The Pricks, the case against Duane is strengthened by the fact that there is no record of his ever having dealt with the landlord or bought even a single roll of toilet paper.

"Sure, Duane displayed a degree of loyalty during several of the Luke's-psycho- ex-girlfriend incidents of '85—especially when he caught that nut-job Tina trying to slash Luke's tires—but this doesn't come close to exonerating him for splitting like that," Riley said. "You just don't do that to your friends, man. It's just fucked up."

Though the events of Duane's life after he screwed Luke and Kyle right in the ass remain something of a mystery, there is evidence that he may have mooched off his mom over in Aberdeen for a while before he wrecked her car and she kicked him out.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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