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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks

Duane, the dirtbag, circa 1986.
Duane, the dirtbag, circa 1986.

In what scholars generally consider to be one of the biggest dick moves in recorded history, 28-year-old convenience store cashier Duane Hoyt hastily departed Olympia, WA in the summer of 1987 still owing roommates Luke Dalrymple and Kyle Strickland almost 1,300 bucks in back rent and utilities.

"Duane's bailing without leaving so much as a note while Luke and Kyle were at work is one of our archetypal examples of total betrayal," Columbia University anthropology professor Davis Enright said. "Judas Iscariot turning Christ over to the Romans for 30 pieces of silver, Brutus abetting the assassination of Julius Caesar—these acts pale in comparison to the shit that Duane pulled."

"At least Brutus had the common decency not to leave two useless, busted-ass mopeds in Caesar's front yard," Enright continued. "Duane has certainly secured his place in history as a first-class asshole. Fucking Duane."

Though some scholars point to Duane's purchase of a kegerator in 1986 as a mitigating factor in his ultimate screwing over of his roommates, most agree that taking off owing a shit-ton of cash overshadows any good he may have done during his four-year residence at the house.

According to Dr. Lawrence Riley, author of Duane: King Of The Pricks, the case against Duane is strengthened by the fact that there is no record of his ever having dealt with the landlord or bought even a single roll of toilet paper.

"Sure, Duane displayed a degree of loyalty during several of the Luke's-psycho- ex-girlfriend incidents of '85—especially when he caught that nut-job Tina trying to slash Luke's tires—but this doesn't come close to exonerating him for splitting like that," Riley said. "You just don't do that to your friends, man. It's just fucked up."

Though the events of Duane's life after he screwed Luke and Kyle right in the ass remain something of a mystery, there is evidence that he may have mooched off his mom over in Aberdeen for a while before he wrecked her car and she kicked him out.

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