adBlockCheck

Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks

Duane, the dirtbag, circa 1986.
Duane, the dirtbag, circa 1986.

In what scholars generally consider to be one of the biggest dick moves in recorded history, 28-year-old convenience store cashier Duane Hoyt hastily departed Olympia, WA in the summer of 1987 still owing roommates Luke Dalrymple and Kyle Strickland almost 1,300 bucks in back rent and utilities.

"Duane's bailing without leaving so much as a note while Luke and Kyle were at work is one of our archetypal examples of total betrayal," Columbia University anthropology professor Davis Enright said. "Judas Iscariot turning Christ over to the Romans for 30 pieces of silver, Brutus abetting the assassination of Julius Caesar—these acts pale in comparison to the shit that Duane pulled."

"At least Brutus had the common decency not to leave two useless, busted-ass mopeds in Caesar's front yard," Enright continued. "Duane has certainly secured his place in history as a first-class asshole. Fucking Duane."

Though some scholars point to Duane's purchase of a kegerator in 1986 as a mitigating factor in his ultimate screwing over of his roommates, most agree that taking off owing a shit-ton of cash overshadows any good he may have done during his four-year residence at the house.

According to Dr. Lawrence Riley, author of Duane: King Of The Pricks, the case against Duane is strengthened by the fact that there is no record of his ever having dealt with the landlord or bought even a single roll of toilet paper.

"Sure, Duane displayed a degree of loyalty during several of the Luke's-psycho- ex-girlfriend incidents of '85—especially when he caught that nut-job Tina trying to slash Luke's tires—but this doesn't come close to exonerating him for splitting like that," Riley said. "You just don't do that to your friends, man. It's just fucked up."

Though the events of Duane's life after he screwed Luke and Kyle right in the ass remain something of a mystery, there is evidence that he may have mooched off his mom over in Aberdeen for a while before he wrecked her car and she kicked him out.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close