adBlockCheck

Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building Of World's Largest Indoor Mountain Range

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Eating

Dubai Debt Crisis Halts Building Of World's Largest Indoor Mountain Range

DUBAI—Representatives from the emirate of Dubai announced with disappointment this week that its recent debt crisis has forced developers to halt construction on the city's long-planned 22-mile-long indoor mountain range.

Planners continue to take future reservations for the mountains' 9 and 10-star hotels.

The culmination of a decade's worth of ambitious and expensive building projects, Dubai's estimated $100 billion debt officially brought work on the artificial mountain range to a stop on Tuesday.

"This is a very sad day for the emirate of Dubai," Crown Prince Hamdan bin Mohammed al-Maktoum told reporters at a press conference held inside the gold-plated anti-gravity chamber in his palace. "Although I believe it is the basic right of all who visit us to be able to scale to the top of a 15,000-foot-tall manmade snowcap, these tough economic times have made it an impossibility. Never before has our proud municipality faced such a grave crisis."

Added Sheikh Hamdan, "The time, I'm afraid, has finally come for us to tighten our jewel-studded belts."

With only seven of the planned 19 peaks completed and the artificial glaciers only partially frozen, the real estate firm Nakheel now says the landmark Alps Dubai development will miss its planned April 2011 opening date, and with it, the controlled volcanic eruption that would have commemorated the event.

Some of the more conservative construction projects completed before Dubai's financial meltdown.

"Everything had been progressing right on schedule," said project manager Zayed Kemaar. "The plate tectonics were almost in place, we were getting good vulcanism, and we had helicopter-loads of marble and schist arriving every day from Switzerland. We even had herds of pure-white albino bighorn rams standing on five of the peaks. Then, of course, the bottom fell out, and now we barely have the money to keep the air conditioning on."

Added Kemaar, "It just goes to show you that, when the economy is down, vital infrastructure projects like this are always the first to suffer."

A number of Dubai officials have even speculated that the cornerstone Jabal Khalifa mountain, which, at 27,100 feet—not counting the 300-foot-tall Lebanese-cedar log flume atop the casino at the summit—would have been the sixth-highest peak in the world, may have to be canceled entirely.

"At this rate, we may be forced to dip into the vast diamond mines we installed in the center of the city last February," Kemaar said.

Across the city there are signs of how deeply the overall economic climate of Dubai has been affected. Thousands of VIP tables sit empty, Lamborghinis clog dealership lots, and, with many unable to afford the usual imported pet foods, the streets are filled with starving stray snow leopards and feral peacocks. Empty glass tubes, once intended to contain seawater in which the city's fleet of nuclear commuter submarines would travel, hang forlornly 30 stories overhead.

As the emirate reels from the news of the mountain range's suspension, developers and government officials alike remain stymied on the best course of action for resolving the debt crisis and resuming work.

"Maybe this cold hard dose of reality is what Dubai needed," said Sheikh Hamdan, adding that he remained "hopeful" his mountain range would one day be completed. "Maybe it's time for us to pull ourselves up by the straps of our handmade custom-fitted patent-leather Italian boots and put our slaves back to work. Only through ingenuity, perseverance, and forced labor can Dubai get back to being Dubai again."

"And mark my words," he added, "We will still put a man on the artificial moon we're building by 2025."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close