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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’

PROVIDENCE, RI—Sources attending a house party on Governor Street confirmed that the dude with the knit hat has been referring to the supply of beer as “libations” throughout the night. “The night is young, my friends—enough libations for everyone,” said the guy whose sideburns poked out from beneath the wool cap and whose name may have been Jordan or Jay—or possibly Kyle—before raising his red plastic cup to eye level, nodding his head slightly, and urging the assembled partygoers to “imbibe.” “We’ve got some fine spirits in the kitchen, too, if anyone’s interested.” The dude, who also wore tight brown corduroy pants, then reportedly circulated among the partygoers, describing his recent “unreal” trip to Colorado.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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