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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’

PROVIDENCE, RI—Sources attending a house party on Governor Street confirmed that the dude with the knit hat has been referring to the supply of beer as “libations” throughout the night. “The night is young, my friends—enough libations for everyone,” said the guy whose sideburns poked out from beneath the wool cap and whose name may have been Jordan or Jay—or possibly Kyle—before raising his red plastic cup to eye level, nodding his head slightly, and urging the assembled partygoers to “imbibe.” “We’ve got some fine spirits in the kitchen, too, if anyone’s interested.” The dude, who also wore tight brown corduroy pants, then reportedly circulated among the partygoers, describing his recent “unreal” trip to Colorado.

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