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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Dustin Pedroia Asks Buddy To Watch Second Base For Couple Innings

BOSTON—Suddenly needing to “go take care of something,” Boston Red Sox infielder Dustin Pedroia left second base in the care of his 34-year-old buddy Dave Scholl on Sunday. “It’s pretty easy. If the ball comes to you, just throw it to the guy standing to your left. He’ll know what to do with it,” said the departing Pedroia, hastily writing his cell phone number on a piece of paper in case of an emergency. “Sometimes the runner will—nah, never mind, not gonna happen. You’ll be fine.” Upon returning to his position an hour later, Pedroia was relieved to find the Red Sox were still leading the AL East but found that his cat’s water dish had not been refilled.

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