adBlockCheck

Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—In a postgame press conference following a Game 7 loss that halted another magical Red Sox playoff comeback, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia informed the nation that you can't win them all. "Realistically speaking, you cannot win literally every game you play," Pedroia said. "What I'm trying to say is, there are many variables that go into each game, like the weather, fatigue, emotion, and human error. Combine those elements with the randomness inherent in the universe, and it's absolutely impossible for a team to win all the time. Every season, we have 162 games, which can be seen as 162 opportunities to either win or lose, taking into account that our opponents also want to win. I'm sure most fans believed otherwise, but I just hope everyone can accept this unfortunate truth." To further illustrate his point, Pedroia drew a diagram based on Schrödinger's famous cat-and-box gedankenexperiment to show that, although any baseball game has the potential to be won or lost, only one outcome can occur.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close