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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—In a postgame press conference following a Game 7 loss that halted another magical Red Sox playoff comeback, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia informed the nation that you can't win them all. "Realistically speaking, you cannot win literally every game you play," Pedroia said. "What I'm trying to say is, there are many variables that go into each game, like the weather, fatigue, emotion, and human error. Combine those elements with the randomness inherent in the universe, and it's absolutely impossible for a team to win all the time. Every season, we have 162 games, which can be seen as 162 opportunities to either win or lose, taking into account that our opponents also want to win. I'm sure most fans believed otherwise, but I just hope everyone can accept this unfortunate truth." To further illustrate his point, Pedroia drew a diagram based on Schrödinger's famous cat-and-box gedankenexperiment to show that, although any baseball game has the potential to be won or lost, only one outcome can occur.

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