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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—In a postgame press conference following a Game 7 loss that halted another magical Red Sox playoff comeback, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia informed the nation that you can't win them all. "Realistically speaking, you cannot win literally every game you play," Pedroia said. "What I'm trying to say is, there are many variables that go into each game, like the weather, fatigue, emotion, and human error. Combine those elements with the randomness inherent in the universe, and it's absolutely impossible for a team to win all the time. Every season, we have 162 games, which can be seen as 162 opportunities to either win or lose, taking into account that our opponents also want to win. I'm sure most fans believed otherwise, but I just hope everyone can accept this unfortunate truth." To further illustrate his point, Pedroia drew a diagram based on Schrödinger's famous cat-and-box gedankenexperiment to show that, although any baseball game has the potential to be won or lost, only one outcome can occur.

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