Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman's Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival

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Vol 46 Issue 02

Roommate's Work Schedule Remains Complete And Total Mystery

BOSTON—"I'm not sure exactly what he does, but I think he said he works at this place where he makes these calls to people for these events," said Kyle Fisher, who added that, from what he can tell, his roommate works anywhere from 10 to 60 hours a week.

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According to statistics collected by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, obesity rates in the United States have remained constant over...
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Dusty Baker Destroys Aroldis Chapman's Arm Within Minutes Of Arrival

CINCINNATI—Within just a few minutes of Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman's arrival in the United States, Reds manager Dusty Baker had already overused and mangled the 21-year-old's arm beyond recognition, team sources reported Sunday. Baker, who has been accused of overtaxing young pitchers' arms in the past, reportedly greeted Chapman with a bucket of 250 baseballs and told him to "hurl them" as fast as he could, later encouraging the fastballer to "go nuts" with his pitching style. "He didn't even let me stretch out first," Chapman told reporters through an interpreter. "And when I started to wince from the pain and soreness, he just gave me a thumbs up, winked, and told me to keep throwing." At press time, Chapman had already been to the hospital for an oblique strain, a torn rotator cuff, and his second Tommy John surgery of the week.

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