adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dutch Anti-Defamation League Closes

NEW YORK—Poul VanDerVoort, president of the Dutch Anti-Defamation League of America, announced Monday that his civil rights organization is closing due to a severe lack of defamation against the Dutch. "I guess we did a good job," VanDerVoort told reporters. "This past year there was not a single ethnically motivated crime committed against a person of Dutch descent." Despite a vigilant, constant effort to locate anti-Dutch sentiment, prosecute offenders and initiate a healing process, the league has found no such crises anywhere in the nation throughout its 18-year history. "A couple of months ago we thought someone had been fired from his job for being Dutch," VanDerVoort said. "But we investigated, and it turned out he was showing up drunk."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close