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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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DVDs Of Olympics Somehow Available On Sidewalk Already

BEIJING—Several hours before the opening ceremony Thursday, ambitious Chinese street vendors obtained bootleg copies of the complete 2008 Beijing Olympics coverage, pressed DVD copies of the footage, and sold DVDs for five to seven dollars apiece from blankets spread out on the sidewalk. "I was really surprised that I was able to get a hold of this so early, especially with all the reports that the Chinese were going to prevent the results from being leaked," said San Francisco resident Todd Saunders. "The footage was pretty grainy and you could tell they just shot it off of a screen with a camcorder, but for the price I thought it was worth it." Although Saunders said he was surprised to find himself tearing up while watching the closing ceremony, he admitted that the performance dedicated to the athletes tragically lost to Turkish terrorism on days three through five was quite touching.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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