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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Dwarf Actor Assured Guest Spot On 'How I Met Your Mother' Will Not Be Demeaning

LOS ANGELES—After being cast in an episode of the sitcom How I Met Your Mother, 4-foot, 6-inch-tall actor Craig Holsapple was assured Monday that the role would treat his height matter-of-factly and not in any way that would be degrading. "You'll be playing a doctor, all very professional and respectable, and after Neil Patrick Harris—who is your patient, and he's your patient because he wants the best doctor, mind you—anyway, after Neil says something about the tall blond nurse, you get angry at him because she's your wife," executive producer Carter Bays told Holsapple, who remained absolutely silent throughout the meeting. "Trust me, it has nothing to do with your height. The part pays $1,800." Holsapple was also assured that "normal-size" doctors were thrown through windows all the time and that, in any case, "a tiny little mannequin" would be used for that shot.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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