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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Dwight Howard Makes Talking Look Almost Effortless During Lakers Press Conference

LOS ANGELES—Following a team practice Friday, sources confirmed that new Lakers center Dwight Howard gave an inspiring press conference performance in which he made talking look practically effortless. “He was running his mouth better than ever out there,” said Los Angeles Times reporter Helene Elliott, adding that Howard is “just a total natural” when it comes to incessantly rambling about winning NBA championships. “Having spent so much time out injured, everyone was a little worried that Dwight might not be able to blather on and on at the same level he once did, but he silenced any of those concerns right away with a few arrogant and self-involved comments. His mouth was moving so fluidly that it was like he wasn’t even trying. It was amazing to watch.” At press time, Howard was preparing for Tuesday night’s opening-season press conference by practicing forced smiles and fake laughter in front of a locker-room mirror.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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