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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dwight Howard Teaches Children At Library To Shoot Books Into Garbage Can

ORLANDO—Magic center Dwight Howard shared his love of books with boys and girls at the Orlando Public Library for five hours Saturday, teaching the group of 10-year-olds the basic fundamentals of shooting paperbacks, hardcovers, and even full sets of reference books into a nearby wastebasket as part of a community outreach program to promote literacy. "Books allowed me to escape the troubled Atlanta streets," Howard said, telling the children how, as a child, he would spend countless hours perfecting his jump shot, lay-up, and even dunks with the reading material at his local library. "Books helped me to fulfill my potential by showing me that anything is possible, as long as you focus on the hole of the garbage can rim and stay smooth on your follow-through." While Howard emphasized to the children the importance of foot placement, bending their knees, and stabilizing the book and guiding it, he stressed it was also vital to run to the trashcan following the shot to maximize offensive rebound opportunities.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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