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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Dwight Howard Teaches Children At Library To Shoot Books Into Garbage Can

ORLANDO—Magic center Dwight Howard shared his love of books with boys and girls at the Orlando Public Library for five hours Saturday, teaching the group of 10-year-olds the basic fundamentals of shooting paperbacks, hardcovers, and even full sets of reference books into a nearby wastebasket as part of a community outreach program to promote literacy. "Books allowed me to escape the troubled Atlanta streets," Howard said, telling the children how, as a child, he would spend countless hours perfecting his jump shot, lay-up, and even dunks with the reading material at his local library. "Books helped me to fulfill my potential by showing me that anything is possible, as long as you focus on the hole of the garbage can rim and stay smooth on your follow-through." While Howard emphasized to the children the importance of foot placement, bending their knees, and stabilizing the book and guiding it, he stressed it was also vital to run to the trashcan following the shot to maximize offensive rebound opportunities.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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