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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dwight Howard Tells Reporters He's Very Unhappy In Milky Way Galaxy

ORLANDO, FL—Following another tough loss for the Magic Tuesday, Dwight Howard informed reporters he is very unhappy playing in the Milky Way, the galaxy where he has spent his entire life and career, and is looking to be moved as soon as possible. "This is just not a winning environment," said Howard, who has in the past also criticized his team's court, arena, neighborhood, city, county, state, country, continent, hemisphere, planet, planetary system, interstellar cloud, star belt, and spiral arm. "I'm tired of dealing with the underperforming dwarf stars and the distractions the ionized gas clouds and stellar winds cause around here. I just don't see this place changing much in the next billion years or so. I want to play in a more supportive galactic structure with a winning tradition where I can breathe argon if I want to."Sources said about 10 billion galaxies have expressed interest in Howard, but he is unlikely to go to his first choice, Messier 108, which has remained cautious since being burned 10 years ago with its acquisition of Mookie Blaylock.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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