adBlockCheck

Sports

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dwight Howard Tells Reporters He's Very Unhappy In Milky Way Galaxy

ORLANDO, FL—Following another tough loss for the Magic Tuesday, Dwight Howard informed reporters he is very unhappy playing in the Milky Way, the galaxy where he has spent his entire life and career, and is looking to be moved as soon as possible. "This is just not a winning environment," said Howard, who has in the past also criticized his team's court, arena, neighborhood, city, county, state, country, continent, hemisphere, planet, planetary system, interstellar cloud, star belt, and spiral arm. "I'm tired of dealing with the underperforming dwarf stars and the distractions the ionized gas clouds and stellar winds cause around here. I just don't see this place changing much in the next billion years or so. I want to play in a more supportive galactic structure with a winning tradition where I can breathe argon if I want to."Sources said about 10 billion galaxies have expressed interest in Howard, but he is unlikely to go to his first choice, Messier 108, which has remained cautious since being burned 10 years ago with its acquisition of Mookie Blaylock.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close